i'm lucky i'm in love with my best friend.

the countdown for christmas has begun.
the countdown for my going home for the holidays is ON!!!

i am so excited to go home and see my family and friends-this year it all feels so different. last year around this time: i was working at the bank; hated my life; was anxious to go home because i didn't want to be in toronto.
this year: i am working at the bar; love my life; i have friends and family here in the city now too. a lot of my friends have become my family. i am sad that i will not be seeing some of these friends on christmas. it's so bizarre to me the change a year makes.

i wonder what 2009 is going to bring?! woah. so exciting.

***

i have most of my shopping done-so proud of my productivity. i am never home, always out at starbucks reading. i have been doing alot of reading and studying. i feel so healthy and great. my life is really fabulous.

oh, and in march i am going to see BRITNEY effin' SPEARS IN CONCERT!! i am so stoked-i am bringing C with me. my giftie to her-get her out of her city and into my bed, er, city, er..awkward. ha.

***

i am inlove with my new best friend. awesome.
i am trying to change the communication-because we were NEVER friends to begin with...so i am going to need to fall outta "love" slash infatuation FAST in order to move into the friend zone. this should be fairly easy, right?
are you kidding me? this blows.
i don't want to have to convince someone to be with me. been there, done that.
NEXT!

peace, love, honesty, and truth.
yay holidays!!!
xoxoxoxo

we should get jerseys cuz we make a good team.

i have met my match. it has been a nutzo three weeks-i have never been happier! i have never felt more positive--coming from an ALREADY positive person...this is BIG time.

that being said, good things always come to a crossroad at some point.

we had the talk monday night/tuesday morning (3am anyone?)...we spent another fantastic time at fran's and tried our darnest to pretend there was no elephant in the room.
we called her charley/ie (i like "ey" better, him not so much...

it is not the time for us. not yet. so intense the honeymoon phase-haha, honeymoon.
we are going to be friends-i mean, our immense talk was possibly the most honest and heartfelt conversation that i have ever had in my past-numb world. it was bittersweet, heartbreaking, respectful, and absolutely wonderful. i have no hate. no words to describe him. he is the most honest, hilarious gentleman that i have ever met. my true match.

well, that's how i see it now.
let's give it a few weeks-JOKES. we will be lifelong friends-i know bloggers, this might come across as me being bitter or sarcastic but i PROMISE/ASSURE you-i mean all these things. if friends are what we are than that is fantastic. why would i let him out of my life over some feelings that are/were/still are confused and scared? and these are not all on my part.
to be honest, i do not think i have ever been so gungho on a guy. haha, gungho.

***

on a different note, i am taking control of my life. i am in the process of detoxing my life-i am becoming much more aware of the people in my life, what i am ingesting into my body (say no to drugs!), and the situations/relationships i have been keeping up/trying to avoid/am invested in.

this is my year. i still believe this.
it will be-why? because i am taking control of my life. there is no one else in this world that can affect/change/alter/create the life that i want other than me. doesn't that sound absolutely liberating????
it is.

i must go-sorry for the very blunt and straight-up blog post. i know it's been awhile and i should be blogging more but, ladies and gents, i am living my life (cue T.I feat. RIHANNA) and need to have a dance party to britney's new album.

britney's back, bitches!
(who told you so??? hmmm??? hmmmmmmm????????)
that's what i thought.

peace, love, truth.
xoxox

poker face.

someone in my building/on my floor is watching the x-files. i can hear the doo doo doooooooo. awesome.

i got off work early tonight because i got a message from my agent while at work--i have an audition tomorrow morning!!!!

yay: so grateful for auditions. obviously i have an audition on my busiest week. it's true what TEE told me...it truly is a test.

it is game time, baby.

so, the audition isn't for anything massive--i get to improv tomorrow actually...very excited. best auditions because i have no time to think about it...therefore, less time to freak out in excited energy. this is the beginning of everything.

-everything?-

last night at work...oh god. let me tell you, it was such a bad ending to a GREAT GREAT GREAT day!! had great tables, great section, i had worked out for an hour--i was feeling good. people were LOVING the hollywood last night. fuckk..so good...

THEN:

asshole arrives and drinks about 7 beers over a period of 3 hours. he was a bigger guy--i am very conscious about over-serving, so i was watching him etc etc--anyway he went for a smoke, i stopped him to get ID or some sort of collateral.
he gives me his status card and his health card. his jacket was still lying on his table.

fine. go outside and smoke. (i saw no lighter or cig--thought nothing of it...on such a positive high)

i think he walks out on me/his bill when he doesn't come inside soon enough--comes back in (SIIIICK!)--goes to the bathroom--i think he's gonna barf.

i hope he does.

HW: "buddy, i need you to pay this bill like, right now"
Drunk Asshole: (sigh; drunk smug look) "i can't pay you right now."
HW: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T PAY THIS RIGHT NOW?"
DA: "i don't have your money...my buddy was supposed to meet me here and pay..." (trails off with a slur)
HW: (angry giggle) "who comes to the bar with no money, no cards, no nothing?? who do you expect to pay this for you? you wanna know who has to pay this bill? I HAVE TO PAY YOUR FUCKING BILL!! you think i LIKE working for minimum wage and serving your drunk ass? BUDDY, c'mon!!"
DA: "i know, i know...pathetic you get 8 bucks an hour"
HW: "less than that buddy. and you wanna know what is pathetic? YOUR DRUNK ASS. now, until you pay your bill--i am keeping your shit. no money? no jacket. no money? no keys. no i.d and no health card. F-U-C-K you!" (storms off)

this is exactly what was said. i cussed him out worse than this but...i can't quite type how dramatic i did it. y'all know me...i'm a piece of work.

so, that BLEW! but i made good money overall and a freak shot of tequila.
ohhhh, and buddy finally left--with none of his shit. (we were NOT going to give it back to him.)

***

i talked to my momma about this incident--she didn't approve...obviously. i think i've learnt to keep things to myself.
i don't need to share anything...hmmmm.

sleep time. i may have no lines for tomorrow, but i will will WILL get a good restful sleep. yay.

peace and love.
xoxoxoxoxox

i just can't stop.

yo yo yoooooo bloggers!!!!

it really has been awhile since i've updated. i have been pretty damn busy: i have been OUT more lately. i think it's totally because i no longer live in the dungeon...basement apartment. i am spending my days outside, doing errands, making choices...being creative...rather than sleeping and eating and SULKING! woo, so great. no more sulking...unless i really REALLY want to. hee hee.

work sucked tonight. too tired and blah to talk about it. work was messy, dramatic and disorganized. grrrr..i usually LOVE karaoke.

i need to sleep. sorry for the short post! i will be updating soon. promise.

peace, love and ... happy birthday YFC!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxox

disturbia.

i am smoking in my apartment.

i am weirdly paranoid that my neighbours will smell the sweet aroma of pot and want to come and session. haha, no i am paranoid that THEY know.

fuck, sometimes being high is so irritating. who is THEY anyway?

EXACTLY.

i was watching MTV on ROD at K's place today. my super sweet sixteen.

i actually took something from that show:

'sexy is not a look; it's a state of being'
hmm, weirdly i am one with the stupid rich girl on this. she was a major brat, spoiled bitch. fuck, i hate 'rich' kids.
* not kids who are rich--the spoiled ones. the ones that act like they are above you because their 'daddy' is richer than your daddy-o.

ya, well, mine's a rockstar, bitch.

***


anyway, after work last night, i sat with stefFUNNY (i adore her) and a NHL hall of famer. true story. he came into the bar to drink and ended up staying until closing time. he sat at the bar; a little meatier than the rookies, silver flowy hockey hair, blackberry constantly in hand--he said 'hello' to SFUNNY and me--ended up smoking a spliff. still had NO idea who the fuck he was. i had heard from ash and B that he was going to be indighted (SPELLING!) into the hall of fame in november.

NHL: so you girls, REALLY, don't know who i am? (smirk)
SFUNNY and HW:(look at eachother) nope!
NHL: (awkward) ha-ha-ha, keep it that way...(starts pacing away)...man...

then we ditched him and hailed a cab.

i didn't like him from the start but i was trying to be nice. FUUUCK being nice. he was so rude and awkward. he called our pot hash. SFUNNY corrected him though. haha, old man.

and he told me that me being an actor is 'funny'. he also told me if i was an actor to recite some script. S-C-R-I-P-T! script. kkkkkk mister.

that's not how it works numbnuts!

HW:(eyes wide)'oh you're right,gee,let me take a breath and begin a wonderful script. it's quite amazing writing. you might have heard of...(sigh) shakespeare's HAMLET?'

he also told me if i DIDNT have a script than that's TOO bad. if he was jerry bruckheimer sitting infront of me and i didn't recite a SCRIPT, than that's TOO bad. he said BAD as if he pitied me. fucker.

if jerry bruckheimer was sitting infront of me--i would have bought him a beer and introduced myself to him and than maybe...have the guts to ask him for a meeting/audition/casting call.

PUHLEASE MISTER NHL. go away and never come back. hasbeen.


***

going for coffee on thursday with B. hello, second chances. SECOND? maybe it's third. fuck, with him, i never know where i'm at. we are going as friends. i think. i am going with the mentality of friends because i don't wanna fuck around anymore. and when i get back from otown for tgiving and my 22ND BIRTHDAY, bitches, i will be going for coffee with spinner. well, he doesn't know yet but i am pretty sure he'll be down.

this was fun bloggers, but i must facebook stalk.
LOVE. peace.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxxxoxoxox

in those jeans.

i had a day today.

relaxed, sang my heart out to karaoke, read a bit...went to pick up my new jeans from the seamstress and grab a pumpkin spice latte--hey! it's the fall. let's celebrate.

my front door key has been pissing me off lately. especially when it is three in the morning and i am coming home from the bar. ' get me in my fucking house '

it broke in half today. AND I HAD TO PAY FOR IT. again. wtf, right? i put a deposit for this "heavy duty" key. and then it breaks and i have to pay ANOTHER fifty. WHAT THE MOTHER EFF IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

awesome. so that was annoying. i mean, what option did i have? I HAVE TO GET INTO MY APARTMENT. soooo annoyed.

on the bright side, i am rocking such sweet pants right now. wide-legged and gorgeous. the best part?
no one else is REALLY rocking these jeans...and they are unlike any other pair of jeans i have. super excited.
PLUS, they are hemmed. which means short little me isn't going to fuck up my pants anymore. no more dirt and holes on my jeans, mofos!

i worked the bar last night during karaoke. did not sing, however. i was trying to keep up with b on the bar. he is so quick and i wanted to keep up...exhausted. probably why i woke up with a MAJOR migraine this morning.

a friend of mine (and boyfriend of my girl at work) jams wth a band and he told me that i should come and jam with them one night. I THINK THAT WOULD BE COOL.

i told him my plans for this year. one open mic. a written song. learning the acoustic guitar or piano. i think piano is my best bet--anyway, he suggested i jam with him. HELLO. totally gonna do this. i need to work my vocal cords.

i kinda wish i had more friends...i am blogging on a friday night. a friday night that i am not working and i have NOTHING to do but blog and sing karaoke a la youtube.

what am i becoming? help. someone call me and let's eat food/see a movie/chat/be social...

peace, love, and socializing.
xoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxooooooooo

we can go anywhere.

i would like to appologize to the blog-universe for being the suckiest at blogging.

work, work, work all the time.

i want to learn to play the guitar. i think i am going to try to self-teach myself. i might also need to find a ghetto acoustic. the only way i can start writing my music is if i learn to strum. this is going to be difficult because i have no idea how to read music/know NO theory....eeks.

i just wanna sing! one of my goals for this year is to sing an open mic at some point. i am not rushing slash pressuring myself--i just want it to happen organically.

it took me awhile to realize my singing potential. maybe that sounds a little cocky...what i ultimately mean is...i fully realized how much i LOVE to sing. it is a completely different high than acting...oh i love.

my life is coming together and it feels AMAZING!

i know this blog sucks. i am not going to judge it, i ask the same of you.
hahaha--i will blog later tonight. something witty and oh so cool.

peace and love.
there is so much sunshine and love in my apartment.
stunning.

xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxxox

sooner or later, it's over.

so what if i sign all my bills/receipts for my customers?
literally.

heart. holly.

it's kinda pretty, and i look forward to it.
i am actually getting so good that i don't even have to look at the paper.

kinda celebrity, don'tcha think? hmmm...subconsciously training...what??

as if i have not blogged since my second day in this apartment.
woah, this has been the best change for me. being so free, so comfortable, so naked.
living on my own was the best effin' idea. i rock.



i might have drunk texted/dialed someone (BIG mistake) last night. it was awkward. i woke up this morning to a terrible headache, and mortifying texts and flashbacks to my ' you don't even know me! ' speeches...what have i become?

i immediately took charge of this, my...poor judgement call...mistake, whatever...thing...

i immediately took charge of the situation by deleting boy's phone number and all text messages on my phone.

then i cried. then i tried to throw up. popped more tylenol. sipped water. passed out.

i woke up half an hour later. call the salon...salon?..i call the salon. move my appointment half an hour. crawl out of bed. make green tea and chinese noodles.

i REALLY tried to eat. popped more tylenol. went to bank...HUGE HEADACHE still happenin'...

went and got my hurr did, yo. honestly, the place where i get my hair done is always so crowded and loud. blaring music--it's a cool atmosphere because you don't have to talk if you don't wanna...you can read as much trash mags in peace!

today it was louder. this was a bad idea, getting drunk last night...making me hungover this morning...getting my hair done in the loudest place in toronto.
WHAT WAS I THINKING???

IN CONCLUSION-my hair looks fabulous.

i think i am going to go read. the night is still young and i kinda wanna fall asleep before 1am (I DO NOT REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I SLEPT BEFORE 2AM!!--for real)

peace, love, and NO MORE DRUNK DIALING/TEXTING.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox i am still mortified.

striptease.

i was without internet last night. i still blogged...

september first.

i am a better actor because i am allowing myself to be myself. i am letting myself be as present in my life as possible. when i am at work, i am at work. my focus is strong and although i might wish to be at a party or watching a movie sometimes, i am still present at work. well, as much as i can be.

tonight is my second night in my NEW apartment!!!!! i unpacked today and discovered (while taking a much-needed shower)—i can see the CN tower from my shower! i have the most darling (the only word that I find fitting) window in my shower…and voila, the ‘infamous’ CN tower.

cannot blog further. my brain is tired and my feet are high.

peace and love—it’s the year!!
xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo



hmmmm....

who's that girl?

i packed up my things in my small basement room and left.

well, not exactly. i haven't left yet--although it feels like it. all of my stuff, my life, my personality and style all shoved in black garbage bags. how appropriate.

sitting at my empty desk in my empty room eating a cup-a-soup...moving is definitely a torturous activity. i do not wish it upon anyone. i cannot wait to move and then stay there for as long as i can afford to. my new place is going to be a new beginning. a new perpective. a new life.

i might even get myself a cat.

i have been unable to shake a serious anxious energy. this energy has taken over my mind and therefore my body, and all i want is to run away from it and get my shit done. as a result of this ANXIOUS energy--i was unable to make it to work today and i left work early a few days ago. maybe it is the stench of the place; the people; the constant demand for more ketchup, another beer, another smile...blah blah blah shoot me.

today i finished a book. it was a wonderful read. i kind of felt like i was the girl. i was the antagonist. i do talk (and type) in first person and i am fragmented. always. see?

it was a fun and quick read--i easily EASILY identified myself with her and i really enjoyed her obsessions. the book is called LITTLE STALKER.
sometimes i question if i am too a 'stalker'? i guess i am...

stalker of all sorts:

boys, men (a VERY different species), celebrities, diets, clothes, movies, celebrities, boys...

ew, if anyone reading this doesn't ACTUALLY know me--i swear, i am a good, smart human being. not a flake. well, not ALWAYS flake.

promise. i am more than men, boys, crushes, the latest fashion, the coolest and fastest diet....


am i?? oh man--time to re-evaluate myself as a human.


WAIT. NO!! i am valuable. i am smart. SO WHAT if perez hilton is my homepage! SUE ME.

fuuuck, i need to leave cyberspace and collect my thoughts...maybe read a new book. it's called YOUNG WIVES' TALES.

ew. i am that girl.

peace, love, and NO JUDGEMENT.
xoxoxoxxox

ps. the guy i was referring to in my last post was a random customer. i SHOULD have made it a little clearer. apologies all around. xo.

oooh oooh ooooh ooooh.

i am staring at the downtown. sitting on a lovely faded elephant-gray leather loveseat, i am staring at the downtown.

how did i get here?

i have been thinking alot about that lately. what was the moment i KNEW that i needed to do this. what was it that made me believe that i should be chasing this dream. what is that defining moment?

how can i feel so un-phased. un-phased, totally. i feel like i live the every day as present as possible...but do i REALLY?
obviously we are living in the present, but we are only living because of the past, looking towards our future. so how present are we really??

exactly.

exactly?

i was told the other day that i was 'just too cool'--whattt??? he insisted that he meant it in the most positive way--he thought i was funny and too cool...i am not gonna lie--THAT'S AMAZING, right? i have never been called cool before. not really the first word that comes to mind when i think of me. ME. lil' ol' spazzztic me? YAH RIGHT.

wanna know cool? erica is cool. anyone who knows erica KNOWS that she is chill and always COOL.

it has been forever since i last blogged. sorry. i am having such intense revelation weeks and it's been nutzo. NUTZO!

all i know is, is this is IT, baby. this is my time.

i can feel it. weird positive vibes...i am so ready.

moving this week. keys to my first bachelorette pad/studiio apartment wednesday. woah. what?

peace, love, and sucess.
this year is gonna kick.

xoxoxoxoxoxox

toxic.

back in the swing of things.

i worked these last three nights. work has changed for me.i find myself feeling freer, more at ease, less stressed, and patient. i am not really THAT patient, but i am definitely feeling a change in my patience. hmmm...

i got a promotion at work--i will be bartending soon. yay step up in a good direction! money money money, right? it will be nice to be able to talk to people--i want to be the bartender that gives advice, shares stories, loves...a girl can dream, right?

i am moving soon. my new place is already so amazing and i haven't even moved in yet. i have butterflies in my tummy because i can just feel POSITIVE VIBES for this upcoming year. why do i always think SEPTEMBER is the beginning of the year for me? it used to really screw me up in school...haha. i hate the idea of summer ending (NOT THAT WE HAVE HAD A VERY NICE SUMMER IN TORONTO!!) but i LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of a new apartment, new lifestyle, new outlooks--all things to look forward to.

RW's new apartment is amazing. it is such a positive, calming, and productive space. perfect for my RW. the windows and the trees--STUNNING!

tonight i am going to see a PINTER play. exciting and inspiring.

i have best friends on the phone and coming to visit. could my life be BETTER? i don't think so. right?

peace, faith, and love.
xoxoxoxoxox

if i loved you anymore

wow. LA has been incredible for me. truly rad. truly wonderful.
i tried my best to be the least tourist-y that i could be. i want to see everything but there is no rush to see everything right away...i will be back. i WILL be living here soon...gimme a year or two (max).

i have learnt so much about myself. about my life. about my dreams. i have spent a lot of time getting the 'scoop' on the 'realities' of the life in LA. this industry. this lifestyle.

i have spent the last two weeks hanging out with the most rad people. all established adults working to make their dreams a reality. how inspiring.

i am already so upset with the thought of returning to my reality. i know for certain my reality has COMPLETELY changed for the better. i have discovered the truth...

the questions i used to ask myself...questions that i still have...

am i good enough?
do i have what it takes?
do i have a chance?
can this really happen for me?

two weeks here and the answers are yes yes yes yes.

i am better than i let myself be. i thought coming to LA would result in me feeling ugly, self-conscious, wrong, undesirable...

the more time i spend with the most amazing people, the more i realize i am GOOD enough. this IS powerful. i can't wait to go home to execute my strength. i am at the best place i could possibly be in my life. i am young, pretty, and talented. i have what it takes. the thing i am missing is self-confidence and the focus that i need.
less and more sacrifice than i have been willing to execute. it is my time. mark my words. please.

there are so many things that i am ready to do that i have been the ultimate LAX about...times are changing. i won't be this young forever. i won't be this free forever. i have nothing NOTHING nothing holding me back.

i am serious. times are changing and i am finally settling my feet down. ready to handle my life. my dreams. my focus.

peace, love, and inspiration.
xoxoxox
there is never a time when you can't change your life.
you make the rules.
it will not make you a bad/better/worse/good person. fuck them.
love yourself.

oh yaaaa

i forgot.

i LOVE target.

and

i think i am going to make steve-o let me play in his recording booth--dreams are coming true, yo.

when i head home, things ARE gonna change.

i feel enlightened.

hollywood, baby.

i am here. hollywood, yo.

i am so sorry it has taken absolutely forever for me to get to a computer. correction. it has taken me forever to WANT to get near a computer. i have honestly been avoiding emails, facebook, and this blog because i am lazy and also, i am doubting how to put into words how i am feeling/what i am experiencing etc...

let's start at the beginning, shall we?

when i got on the plane and we were taking off, i had tears in my eyes. i have been dreaming about taking this trip for a VERY VERY long time...it was finally coming true. dreams DO come true bloggers! i have been smiling like crazy ever since i got here. i think it is the vitamin D...absolutely breathtaking. every day is sunny here in california. wonderful.

the day i got here i went to TOAST in hollywood for lunch (the HILLS girls frequent this LA hotspot often) and it was delicious. i went and helped steve-o's boss buy some costumes on hollywood boulevard. i think i stepped on mister rogers' star. incredible.

for the last two days i have been in the city of san gabriel, california helping my cousin crush with her short film. being on set has been such a wonderful, fantastic, and crazy learning experience. i spend the first day taking care of the children extras. haha--it was like day camp but better. i spent the day in the sunshine, tried to teach these crazy american kids the wonders of WINK MURDER and educate their cute little selves about the magic of movie-making.

i also ran a few starbucks runs...being a PA (production assistant) is super funny. steve-o and i rocked out to ricky martin in the convertible. again, super sunny. ooooooooh vitamin D, how i love youuuu!!

i tried some crazy american food--chili boats, frito boats, frito pie, chili pie (etc)--some seriously delicious and random food. a layer of frito corn chips and on top chili/beans. sprinkle some cheese on top and you're good to go. i've had some serious canuck jokes...so i just pull the POUTINE out and the crazy americans shut their pie holes. haha, no i kid but they are SOOO un-trusting of the DELICIOUS idea of fries with gravy and cheese curds ('what the hell is a cheese CURD?')

i went shopping today while cousin crush and her hubby went to work. i went to the most EXQUISITE outdoor mall. correction bloggers, this was not a mall--this was a RESORT!!!! there is a trolley/streetcar-esque trolley that shuttles shoppers to their shopping destinations--all in a tiny circle of the most beautifully crafted shops and restaurants. AND YES, PINKBERRY IS THE MOTHERFUCKING SHIT. everything that you 'think' it is--it's better. definately NOT what i was expecting. amazing and yes, i will be back for more. mmm.

i shopped today. it was glorious. i can honestly say that it has been FOREVER since i last shopped--i have worked like a crazy person and i have not really BOUGHT myself any clothing or stuff...just because. well, TODAY WAS AMAZING!!!
i thought that i would have a hard time shopping--BAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah right. you CANNOT take the shopping outta the girl!!!! it was amazing and i am so excited to wear clothes tomorrow.

i am gonna go to work with steve-o tomorrow and help J (his boss) with his filming. i might take some serious cardio barre classes.

it's funny, i thought being here i would be so self conscious and feel UGLY...i mean that in the least self-deprecating way--but i feel empowered and strong. i feel productive and confident. i LOVE LOVE LOVE it here. i will be moving here in a year, guaranteed. cousin crush and steve-o will be baby making soon and we have already decided that i will be here and i WILL be nanny/auntie. amazing. i am so excited about this.

i am so excited about being here. everything is lovely. nothing here is like i imagined. it is BETTER!!!!!

peace. love. SUNSHINE.
xoxoxoxoxoxo

i think about you in the summertime.

woah. this week has gone by so fast and so much has happened.

he came back. he did. actually, i wasn't at the bar when he came back but i had heard through ash that he was gonna come back for karaoke the next day.

i went and got drunk. then i headed to the bar. he sang LET'S GET IT ON by marvin gaye. ummmm unbelievable voice. and yes, bloggers, i DID get his number and actually...he came back every night to see me...well, and to drink...and he doesn't know anyone in the city. BUT he is cute. and nice. and awesome. and he likes me. i think. hahaaaaaa. i'm delusional.

we met up for lunch and it was awesome. well, i haven't been able to eat a lot which is the most annoying thing. i think it's because i have a lot on my mind...travelling in four days! cute boy! moving into a new place when i get back!

nee-nee at work thinks it's because i'm 'lovestruck'...i think i might agree with her. and maybe because he gives me serious SERIOUS butterflies.

so...LA in four days. FOUR DAYS! isn't that craziness? i remember booking the trip...i think it is the best possible time for me to go away and regroup. i need to make sure i have my priorities in check. and also, i need to make sure i can keep cool and take it easy with sparky. haha--that's what i have been calling him. i'm a dork.

i have to keep my battle with my laundry going and start somewhat preparing for my trip. i have nothing ready. haha. except myself. i am so pumped and ready to gooo!! i am so excited slash nervous slash anxious slash HAPPY.

SO HAPPY!!! i have been smiling so much these past few weeks...it's a weird feeling. especially when i am so used to pouting and brooding. haha.
i rock.

love love love and peace.
xoxoxoxoxo

tornado.

last night was a fabulous night. today was an even better day...but i don't want to get ahead of myself, here.

last night: the storm

i was working a sunday shift. same old sunday shift. same old sunday shit. overweight middle-aged men LOVE their wrestling. sitting there drinking water and eating dessrt. i like sundays usually. very slow. very easy-paced.

i was working the back of the bar--we're talking, pretty shitty section but decent for parties--and i noticed a serious hottie sitting at the bar. SERIOUS HOTTIE ALERT!!! i found out through my bar bitches his name (very rad); his sweet job (yay for being a superstar); and that he lives in LA.

ash tells me to go over and talk to him. she thinks i should strike up conversation about LA seeing as i am going in...eleven days (woo)...he is unreal looking.

maybe i psyched myself out but for some reason i got butterflies and i couldn't think of a good way of starting conversation. anyone who knows me, KNOWS that making conversation is never my problem. well, it was with him. i made sure to make cutesy gestures close to his seat so he could notice me. i think he did...i was a little dramatic. even though i was trying to be cute (keyword: TRYING) so he could strike up conversation with me...i could not muster up the courage to say anything to him. i became the ultimate shy girl. woah, SOOOOO not my element.

i was whining to ash about how bad i wanted to talk to him...she thinks i'm a nutjob. i am, ash. i am. as i am goofing at the bar being the total DORK that i am...he gets up from his barstool. yes, i know exactly where he is in the bar at all times. he walks towards me. i need to see his eyes, his face. i could only imagine...(barf!). we made eye contact. it was SWEET. SWEET eye contact. butterflies.

ash and i are talking. my back to the washrooms. i am being a goof asking her if he's behind me...giggling and being dumb. all of a sudden,

"hollywood."

i turn.

"hey. i hear you're going to LA in a few days.

i stare.
i manage to pull myself together, keep it cool. keep it cool.

"uh, ya."

i am MEGA smiling.

"are you stalking me?" i say. "am i micked??"

trying to be smooth. funny, even.
no such luck. we start talking and i fall. he is gorgeous. i was shaking, my heart was on turbo-speed, i felt like i was in a dream.

he is gorgeous.

we start talking about where we were from and what we liked to do. we had a very short chat about LA actually. now that i think about it. we kinda, went off topic pretty quickly. let me tell you. i had NO idea how long or short this conversation was.

ash tells me i have a table. he walks away awkwardly and tells me to have fun in LA.

he is gorgeous.

i am in a trance. totally zoned out. i want to go back over and talk to him. i divert my attention to my tables--i feel like i have been neglecting them and i also wanted to hide.

our chemistry was so intense. INTENSE. i have never felt such an energy for someone like that...so strong and powerful. i was shaking for fuck's sake!

ash tells me that he is leaving. the bar bitches start telling me to 'hurry up, hollywood. he's leaving. we've billed him'

i pussied out. i did. i DID. whyyyyy? he left. and i was too much of a dork to go and say goodbye. WHYYYYYYY!?!?!

he will be back to the bar. he WILL. and i will talk to him and get his number or give him mine...or his facebook. SOMETHING! ANYTHING!

i know i sound crazy. i know.
i need to stop talking about my new boyfriend...i called my mother this morning and told her that she is going to absolutely LOVE her new son-in-law.

is it weird that i think that i have a chance with this guy? i am gonna pull some carrie bradshaw shit right about now (sorry!)

is there such a thing as love at first sight?

xoxox

sicilian kiss.

sixteen days!!!

sixteen days.

SIXTEEN DAYS!

absolutely amazing. this is fabulous!! in sixteen days, i will be on set; on the beach; rodeo drive--getting discovered...you know, the usual.

last night, i was sitting at the bar after my shift was dunzo and i spent the night trying to explain to THE ITALIAN that i understand that i am pretty but i will not go back to italy with him...i get so uncomfortable when men INSIST that i am beautiful/cute/adorable etc etc...they don't even know me. i was completely flattered obviously, but i feel as though THE ITALIAN has never suffered rejection? i mean, why would he--he's gorgeous and LOVES women. i don't know a single woman who would not fall for him in one way or another. he comes to the bar alot so i have significant dirt on him. too much dirt. i might have told him a few of my secrets and i think he kissed me...no more shots please!

have you heard of the show 'secret diary of a call girl'? it's from the UK and it is absolutely GREAT! the style of the show is very well done--gives me ideas about the script i am writing/thinking about/dreaming up...i think it could really work if i molded my script around the style. i think it could work. fuuuck, this will be so FUN FUN FUN to work on!!

my tummy hurts today so no work for me. i am going to the clinic tomorrow morning! i have to figure out what the deal is...i need to make sure i am 100% in good health for my trip to LA. SIXTEEN SIXTEEN SIXTEEN!

it was a slow night last night and i had the chance to talk to a few of my tables...i had a huge LIFE talk with this man STAN. he was in town for work and we talked about EVERYTHING under the sun--he was more excited about my adventure to LA than i am--and that's saying something! we talked about what we want to do with our lives--haha, he could be my dad. no, he was not pervy (i mean, all men are--but he wasn't outwardly pervy) and he was really smart and had a lot to say. i respect you STAN the MAN. i do!

how much better would this blog be is it was a video blog? i am thinking of expanding the blog?!?!?! haha--that might not turn out too good. i will test it out and figure it all out before i actually...post a video blog. PLUS i don't know how much i could talk about on a video blog.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

i'd find SOMETHING to talk about. i always do.

peace and sunshinnnneeeeee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

all i hear is ya ya ya ya ya.

how can some people create such filth?

i tried this morning/afternoon to clean my apartment. all that i could manage to do was sweep(ew),do dishes(MY therapy), and clean the bathroom sink. these were all much needed tasks. my issue with the cleaning is that i am the only one NOT wanting to live in a dungeon of death and disease. is that so bad????

i had my usual corn pops this morning. haha, usual. usual as of a couple days ago. and honestly, once this box is dunzo so am i on the corn pop front. too many pops. this cereal kinda scrapes and hurts my mouth...maybe it's because i am so enthusiastic for my pops that i just SHOVE them in. ew, i'm a beast.

nineteen days and i am off to CALI!!! fuuuck, i am excited!! i feel like there is so much shit i need to do before then that i KNOW i am gonna forget something. ahhhh. help me out universe!!

so, the other day at work i met this young dude who is the lighting guy for the JONAS BROTHERS tour. he was really nice and just chillin--we talked about his sweet job touring and only being nineteen...that's amazing! we talked about the tours he's worked for (miley and the jonas bros) and the shennanigans that is disney stars. i told him to 'make me a star, kid! make me a starrrrr'

we got drunk that night. well, i definitely did. thank you miley's corp credit card! paying for my WAYYYYY to many beers. god, i love corona. so we had fun that night, laughing--we giving him girl advice--singing along to the karaoke portion of the night...we smoked a joint and went our separate ways. it was really nice to meet someone new and someone who knows the industry...atleast from the inside. haha. i made a new friend.

last night i made a LOT of money off of one older guy named albert. he was from montreal, huge sweetheart. the first thing he told me was that he couldn't get TOO drunk because he has to canoe early in the morning...portaging and all this stuff...every beer i brought him (lots) i would remind him that he REALLY should be resting up in order to canoe in the morning. 'don't you worry about me darling. i am all good. gimme another'...he kept wanting me to bill him and then 'start from zero'..needless to say, every bill (regardless of the total) he tipped me twenty-five dollars! so the bill was twelve and i got twenty-five. i would fight with him--why am i such an honest human being?--and he would INSIST...so anyway he got pretty loaded and ended up becoming hugely beligerent (sp?) and fought with my managers. DON'T WORRY BLOGGERS, i took care of it. i talked to him calmly and then fed him some food (soak that BOOZE up!!) and then he left. he HATED all the men that were trying to 'protect' me slash make sure he paid me. but i snuck in there and spoke to him en francais. i rock.

i also came to the realization that i really really REALLY enjoy UFC fights. i never thought i liked the fighting and the blood--and maybe it was only the crowd at the bar last night but mannn WHAT AN INTENSE FIGHT!!--i mean, i would never make sure i didn't miss a single fight but if it's on...I WILL WATCH!!

i got more roses in my apartment! they are so pretty. i got 10 last night. geeeez. each rose from the rose lady (we call her rose...clever, huh?) costs 4 dollars. that's alot of money for a fucking rose. regardless i have ten beautiful roses sitting on my desk...yellow roses have become a serious favorite of mine. pink is nice, red is obvious, but yellow..soooo pretty.

every rose colour means something so i decided to look it up and share it with y'all:

*Red roses are the traditional symbol for love and romance, and a time-honored way to say "I love you." The red rose has long symbolized beauty and perfection. A bouquet of red roses is the perfect way to express your deep feelings for someone special.

*As a symbol of grace and elegance, the pink rose is often given as an expression of admiration. Pink roses can also convey appreciation as well as joyfulness. Pink rose bouquets often impart a gentler meaning than their red counterparts.

*The bright, sunny color of yellow roses evokes a feeling of warmth and happiness. The warm feelings associated with the yellow rose are often akin to those shared with a true friend. As such, the yellow rose is an ideal symbol for joy and friendship.

*White roses represent innocence and purity and are traditionally associated with marriages and new beginnings. The white rose is also a symbol of honor and reverence, and white rose arrangements are often used as an expression of remembrance.

*With their blazing energy, orange roses are the embodiment of desire and enthusiasm. Orange roses often symbolize passion and excitement and are an expression of fervent romance. A bouquet of orange roses will send a meaningful message.

*The unique beauty of the lavender rose has captured many hearts and imaginations. With their fantastical appearance, lavender roses are a perfect symbol of enchantment. The lavender rose is also traditionally used to express feelings of love at first sight.

(thanks http://www.proflowers.com/flowerguide/rosemeanings for the meanings!)

so, it is obvious that yellow would be my favorite...sunny! oh and friendship! aw,i'm always the damn friend. haha. i have all colours of the roses right now except white and orange! SO PRETTY.

speaking of pretty--someone told me that i reminded them of amy smart. i've never gotten that before! so nice. i am totally going to revel in it. hahaaa.

peace and love bitchesss!
xoxoxoxoxoxox

yum!

i just got back from my adventure to shoppers--the closest grocery-type store.
one box of corn pops? check.
one carton of milk? check.

one happy camper. CHECK!!


xoxox

stop and stare.

i am officially a work-a-holic this week and next...PRETTY MUCH until i leave for L.A...which BTW is in 22 DAYS!! can you believe it??? i can't. i am so excited...i need so much money before i go--to pay everything (and i mean EVERYTHING off) before i leave....hence the working every chance i get.

it was karaoke last night. i made shitty tips but the time went by because, well, it was KARAOKE riiiight? i always have way WAAAY too much fun singing along. however, i have NO fun when my favorite songs are butchered...oh, and when 'ghetto' girls attempt rap...over and over and over and over again. that's when i wish i carried a gun.

i woke up this morning/afternoon with a weird craving for corn pops. is that normal? i mean, corn pops ARRRRE delicious. i always laugh when i think of corn pops. why you ask--well, i'm telling you--when i worked at loblaws during my high schooling...eri and i were working at the customer service desk and a woman brought back an opened box of corn pops. she wanted to return them because she claimed the 'corn' got caught in her children's teeth. hmmm. the 'corn' 'kernels' got stuck in her kids' teeth. HMMMM. lady, you're an idiot.

we definitely had a laugh over that one...probably to her face too. HAHAHAHAA!!! oh loblaws.

so now i crave corn pops. NOT HAPPENING! hello twenty-two days. woah, when you spell it out like that--it makes it more real! yay!!

k-i am going to retire from this lame ass blog post (sorry about that) and do some facebook lurking and then some dancing alone in my apartment. sweet private dance parties yo!!

peace and loveeeeee

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

i kissed a girl and i liked it

i woke up this morning much earlier than i had thought i would. i am going to see some theatre and then work work work...again. ten days straight. holla! money!

work was pretty lame last night--lame because it all ran pretty smoothly...nothing too dramatic happened. i mean, there is ALWAYS drama but nothing too crazy--no brawls, stabbings, walk-outs...I GOT A DOZEN ORANGE ROSES THOUGH!! this one drunk regular was waving hundred dollars around--drinking like a fish...and he bought four of us ladies a dozen roses EACH. yup, E-A-C-H. the majority of the other chicks gave their roses away but noooo way. not me. i NEVER get roses--i clutched onto them with all my might. like a beauty pageant queen--haha! my secret dream! they are absolutely gorgeous and smell divine! yay roses!

one month until L.A!! i am so super pumped! i can't wait to SHOP!! i don't remember the last time i went shopping...like REAL shopping. :D

i saw T a couple of days ago. she was back in the city--so good to see her...see? i DO have friends!!

alrighty, i want to go fix my hair/manage it/ do SOMETHING, anything, whatever to this mess of a hairdo. such a short post today. meh, i'm okay with it.

peaceeee and sunshine.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

make your ceiling your floor.

woah. it HAS been forever!!! well, this will be a good one, promise. k--so i have broken some shit down today! i had one of the best days of my life today!!!! listen to how sweet my day was. haha, you have to no choice. i'm gonna tell you anyway! (you know it's going to be a good story, look at how many exclamations marks i have already used?)

i woke up this morning after a very restful sleep--a very rare thing in my life. very satisfying slumber. ANYWAY: after a very studious day yesterday working on lines of a great audition--a massive film. i fucking auditioned for a union principal today! great script. great director. AMAZING!! the first of many. omg, amazing. i am still smiling. ok, so last night i had a meltdown--i guess that's why my sleep was so restful...no energy from all the crying and the personal peptalk. i think i might have slapped myself, kinda unsure. it's all kinda a blur.

i got an amazing email from sof last night. she told me to relax and that this AUDITIONING thing i'm doing, is the real motherfucking deal. k, maybe she wasn't that vulgar. fuuuck, what's wrong with me? aw. dude.

after the audition that i think i rocked (hello, call backs!) i met k at the construction site that she dominates (you should see her cute white helmet!); we walked back to her house and then i called RANDOMLY a house that said there was a bachelor available...called. checked it out. LUCK IS ON MY SIIIIIDE!! it was the most adorable, creative space i have ever seen. this apartment is in a hundred year old building. let's talk dark oak door frames and closet doors; AMAZING windows--and the most quaint bathroom. to die for.

hung out with sar and k...we most definately did some facebook lurking--god, love it. i really miss those girls. last summer it was always US. it's fucked how much my life has grown.

went for dinner with my favorite cousins. had a delicious meal--we all have great lives!! then we HIKED to a theatre to see a sketch comedy show that my A friend Justin was puting on. i don't know why i made that a a capital. i guess A stands for acting...too lazy to type the wordddd?? weiiiird.

GREAT show--very interesting and fun! it was super hot but the theatre space was intimate and very inviting. great choice of venu. it was so nice to see some people from MLS' class--gives me little boosts.

and here i am. blogging.

...and also, deeply and thoroughly considering going back through my blogs and edit people's names. that way i could possibly make this blog public and MOST LIKELY (now that i am REALLY thinking about it) will be using in a project. i have a new personal project that i think would be super chill. will DEFINATELY be talking to a certain YFC about this creative creation!

if i didn't waste my knuckle cracking power this morning at my audition--i'd crack my knuckles right now...it feels good to be back, bloggers!

whine less. breathe more. oooooh!

peace and loveeeee.

xoxoxoxo

it's too late to appologize.

i have taken forever to blog. maybe it's because i am at my mom's place. maybe it's because i am in a rut. maybe it's because i'm lazy.

it's probably that.

to be honest (yay!) it is because i am overly lazy. L-A-Z-Y. i AM lazy and i want to conquer that. i am having a very surreal visit back home. surreal in the sense that it is unlike any visit i have had in this house. i have come home with a completely new attitude, a maturity that was unknown to me before. when i used to live in the house--the overall dynamic was different. sure, my relationships with my mom and my sister have ultimately remained the same (some bumps along the way but you know)...

i have come to terms that my sister and i will not be best friends. i'm not saying ever, i mean now. we will not be living together...i have no idea what i will be doing/what i am doing with my life. like always, (god, i am feeling SO carrie bradshaw season one 'and i wonder...') WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

i will be vacationing and loving L.A in a month...and when i come back--back to reality. boo.

is it weird that i want to DUMP everyone out of my life? start fresh. FUCK Y'ALL!
maybe. kinda weird...

i went out on wednesday to a pool hall/hangout and ran into a large number of people that i have left in my life. classmates from middle school even! (talk about random!)
i saw some boys from my past--and felt grossed out. it is definitely time to ditch M and get on with my life.
why? because i have too many precious people in my life that i should be loving.
why? because i deserve better.
why? because there is way too much drama and if i ditch him maybe i can move on with my life...open doors to men that are not twelve year-old girls. wah wah wahhh!

i feel as though i am sitting in a creative rut. a RUT! i am hoping to try and find a dance class that i can routinely go to (something to look forward to); consider spending some time and money in a recording studio (who knows, riiight?); and most of all HAVE FUN. i want to explore my options--be creative.

i came to the realization that i have been very involved in the arts from such a young age--not only that i've always LOVED it. do you know many fourth graders asking their mothers to go to a prestigious speech and drama school? it's not the most common thing i think...well, maybe it is. i don't have any fucking clue, really.
POINT IS, i have always been involved in SOMETHING, anything, whatever and it has only hit me that i have not been involved in anything--class, lessons, artistic movements--NOTHING...in so long. SOOOO long. i remember how excited i was to take MLS' intensive. jumping for joy. i could finally work my magic...haha, i joke. but i could finally explore some creative aspects of my being..work on something. discover. play. fuuuck, i am so getting involved the moment i set foot in the bus station back to my home.

i am rekindling friendships that have been lost due to college/university/cities. the majority of these friendships were always very creative ones. very inspirational ones. motivational and NOT LAZY.

i have some plans now. the idea of plans make me ever so happy. ever so joyful. i like the idea of working towards something, getting some (ANY) validation (something i am lacking at the moment)...PLANS. my favorite.

my favorite because it means a sense of control. oooh how i love controlling.
what can i say? I'M BOSSY! (sue me!)

it feels good to be back and blogging.

peace and loveeeeee
xoxoxoxox

ps. if it makes you happy--it can't be that bad. riiight?
also--new headshots. time to throw out the spokesmodel and show the world who i really am. excited.

bedazzled.

this weekend. hmm, what did i do this weekend? i feel as though it was not very productive or interesting enough to even blog about...

my facebook horoscope...i really dig it:

you like your associates, although it's very hard for you not to feel superior while in their presence. you must be willing to push aside anyone who stands in your way today. you can't expect everyone to like you. just be sure you are able to distinguish between your friends and your foes.

there was a brawl at work on saturday...damn euro cup--really gets the testosterone flowing. this dude knifed this other dude with a butter knife...probably over something really juvenile. i guess that is guys for you huh? anyway, there was blood everywhere and the really REALLY angry dude went to pull something outta his pants and i swear i heard someone yell 'HIT THE DECK' and i ran out the back door with my friend.
yup, i ran away. no fucking way am i getting shot! NO. FUCKING. WAY!

soooo...i have had a random two nights with a certain ex-boyfriend of one of my best friends...DON'T WORRY BLOGGERS, nothing happened! i would never do anything like that, well, i'd like to think i wouldn't. ESPECIALLY with this male friend. NOT HAPPENING. anyway, let's say there was mucho alcohol involved but i will have y'all know that i made him sleep on the futon. YUP! i was there for him to vent to...we are 'friends' but i think it could get really sticky. so no more being friends i think. my friendship with him is not worth the shit that will go down if anything would happen.
to make matters worse--he told me that he didn't 'trust' us...what the FUCK does that mean? i don't know what he is thinking but there is no fucking way anything would develop. he shouldn't speak for me. i don't trust HIM.

newsflash: i don't trust dudes. is this news to youuu??? nope? didn't think so.

i definitely saw the SEX AND THE CITY MOVIE for the third time today. yup kids, THREE TIMES!! so great, but no more. not until it is released to dvd...haha!! even though i have seen it three times--it's all GOOD! i definitely got better looks at the shoes and outfits. gives me inspiration to re-work my wardrobe...or lack thereof. boo.

and the black flats i bought for work SUCK. S-U-C-K!!!! my feet are so broken. not broken in the 'my shoes were so cute it was worth it', oh no. more of the 'i hate these hideous shoes and my feet are bleeding. i want to end my life!'

i went to the gym on friday and ran. RAN!!! anyone who knows me KNOWS how much i loathe cardio...i'm just not good at it. i don't have the stamina for jogging on the treadmill. and i WANT to good at it. on friday i made a pact with myself to CONQUER that motherfucking machine. and i did. I RAN FOR TWENTY MINUTES NON-STOP! which is a huge success!!! it was so liberating and i felt like after 10-15 minutes my body was ENJOYING IT! and so i went to the gym again today and ran for TWENTY-FIVE minutes! i am working it up to 30-45 minutes of running. it was soo nice and liberating. i felt really free. i am aware that it sounds absolutely...CLICHE...but it really is freeing. i am so proud of myself. my legs are killer right now.
it's funny, i know that i went to the gym twice in the last three days and i walk around knowing that. a huge smile on my face...haha, and i know there is actually no difference in my legs YET slash body YET but i feel better about myself! MY LEGS KILL.

and ya, i ate FOUR PUDDINGS tonight. all that SEX AND THE CITY--damn charlotte eating all that pudding made me crave it! i ate all four in a matter of two hours. hello oinker over here!

i am outta here for tonight. i think i will be smoking a joint with my new roomie...and friend? i don't know if it's too soon to call her that? HAHAAAA!! pudding makes me kooky.

L.A SOON!!!! hollywood here i come!!

peace and love
xoxoxoxox

L.A girl: bright delights

i woke up this morning kinda whatever. i mean, last night (at work) a guy walked out on me, so i was left to foot his bill! so damn annoying. i mean, i worked so hard last night...and it was pretty damn busy. it was the stanley cup finals!

everytime i hear the NHL anthem, all i think about is my daddy. i do. i'm literally, like 'dad! you wanna anotha' budweiser?'.

anywayyy, today was been very successful and productive. i did not wake up early to go to the gym (training at 12 is the hardest thing to wake up for!) and i got a text from my trainer making it tomorrow at 12! P-E-R-F-E-C-T! right? i mean, i didn't even want to think about getting out of the bed!

woke up. googled airfare from t.o to l.a...and found a serious good deal on tix with west jet!!! sweet seat sales! called mom. got an advance from her (thankkkk youuuu momma!). talked to sof on the phone. bought some plane tickets to LOS ANGELES! no biggie...JOKING!!! omg!! i am going to L.A at the end of next month...means i am gonna have to work my butt off before then but HOLLAAAA!!

got my passport picture taken today (was so excited that i am actually going, that i took 10 minutes to get ready...no fuss...and no eyeliner! so proud). filled out all the passport stufffff (i gotta express that shit fast) and i went online and finished my smart serve! and now that i am going to L.A, i have more of an encentive (sp?)to get fit...i dunno, i really REALLY wanna vacation properly there! i also am so excited for a vacation i could cry. weep, really.

so yes, productive day. i start my day tomorrow at noon with my hot personal trainer. yay.

could my life be better? i don't think so.

i wonder why i am constantly stressed and sad when i should be fucking LOVING my life. i have WAY too much to be grateful for. i need to get off my high horse and start appreciating the life i have. fuck.

peace and OH SO MUCH LOOOOOOOVE
xoxoxox

ps. i had the most CRACKED-OUT cab ride home last night. i got high with ashley and 'the other' holly after work last night and then got into a cab...and this fucking cab was already cracked out but the fact that i was stoned too...did. not. help!

he had a cowboy hat...he looked like the east indian twin of willie nelson...IS THAT POSSIBLE? and to make matters worse, his voice was really light and smooth (fucking freaky!!), and he was listening to the weirdest music...like indian beats...but all repetitive and uncool for the state of high i was in.

this is what i penciled down last night...when i finally made it home:

weirdest cab driver

cowboy hat-random wat indian music...

high and SO hardcore

-is my life a movie?


WELL, there it is. hmmm.

silly representin'

i think i am doubting the blog.
wait, no.

k-listen. i am sitting in my apartment by myself. with two pounds of chicken wings. a book: 'he's just not that into you'. and shampoo. shamp-fucking-poo! herbal essences called 'long term relationship'. is that a sign from the universe? is it telling me that:


yes, i want a relationship. i feel like i need to be loved.

or

no, you are pathetic. stop moping around like an idiot.


i don't know which one sounds...more appealing. i am really alone in my place. well, not really. i mean, i love my place and i feel safe here. i like to be by myself...but i think i am starting a new phase of...phase? hmmm...i feel like i am embracing my new independent girl. like, personality bootcamp? does that even make sense????

i hope for your sake that i made some sense there.

hello blog friends! hello blog universe! woah--blogssss. i get it.

peace bitches!! time for wings and 'the sweetest thing'

being an independent woman (destiny's child! hollllaaaa!)...is it all it's cracked up to be??

xoxoxox

don't forget to remember me.

i woke up at 2pm today and went clean crazy.

i cleaned where i have never cleaned before...NASTY but so worth it! i feel so much better in this mopped/swept/clean CLEAN CLEEEAAAN home. it definitely got my energy up... AND it is absolutely BEAUUUUTIFUL outside. warm and sunny. just the way i like it.

i've been brainstorming alot about my writing. i think that i could very much write a book of my relationships/life/details of my situations...i love the details. very important to me. anyone who knows me knows that i don't know how to tell a story straight to the point...it is vital that 'they' know that i thought red was the perfect colour on him; that he said i had nice eyes; that i ate a burger before and i smelt like cheese...

i have never really considered myself a writer before. but maybe i should? i mean, my sketch book is almost full--i am trying to embrace all my artistic elements...whether it be sketches, figurative dance, my blog writing....

i came home from work last night and got high with the sister...and then had a mini dance party in my bathroom to timbaland's 'bounce'. that song reminds me of the hip hop cardio class i take....oh and a SERIOUS good dance song!!! great beats.

i wish that i had taken my love for dance more seriously. i think i feel like that with a lot...for example, singing. i wish that i had made room in my life to be able to pursue singing too...but i guess that would have required me to have a lot of money as a child. classes, lessons...all very expensive. and i am pretty sure, as a kid the dedication i would have had for all the arts wouldn't be as intense as it would be for me today. urgh, kids.

also, i have discovered that i am a very VERY LAZY person. i was thinking of the notes that MLS gave me...i am lazy and i am also destined to be something bigger and greater but i am FUCKING LAZY.

ew, i am over being lazy. fuuuck, it is so true too.

time to beat my resistance.

peaceeeeee!
xoxoxoxox

grumble grumble.

friday: the wedding.
absolutely breathtaking and so drunk. i had an AMAZING time. so amazing, that i bawled when it was over. yup, i sobbed in the cab all the way back to my place. then S peed on my driveway. i don't know which is more sad. haha. no, S was great...helping me out and comforting me.

'you won't be alone forever'
'you won't be single forever'

fuuck, i DO need to change my blog title 'SINGLE IN THE CITY'...ew.

i saw the sex and the city movie yesterday with cousin and sister. i missed the SATC girls! makes me want to stop whining about how lonely i am--and fucking make friends?

for someone who makes friends easily, i have none to prove...

i've been battling some serious issues in the last few days.
firsty, the wedding was beautiful and seeing my family only made me weep harder. they are such a great group of family---i don't know if i have ever seen so much LOVE in a family. open L-O-V-E. it was so refreshing. S and i looked fantastic (total side note)

saw the fam. missed them. bawled. met my conquest. realized he was so hot/cute/great/funny and YAY has a girlfriend of 5 years and it is VERY VERY serious
--that didn't stop me from TRYING to dance with him...he ran off to his girlfriend. i bet i made a huge fool of myself. i swear it was the double vodka sodas. i swear!

also, what the fuck am i doing in this city? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

i would love if someone could tell me...because i have seemed to forget why i have left my friends and family to live in a city where rent is over priced and i am alone. hmmmm. anyone? ANYONE???

oh yaaaaaaaaaa. i want to be an actor. fuuuck, i am an actor. i am an actor that wants a break. in more ways than one. hey martin scorcese! i'm fucking ready. holla!!

i want to travel and vacation somewhere. i know that i want to go to L.A and stay with my cousin Sophie and Steve-o. my issue is i can't travel and pay rent here. you know, i was thinking, live here for a year...maybe vacation and then STAY in cali. yup...STAY THERE. get the fuck out of canada and helloooo sunshine! i think that is going to be my new goal. give myself a year and then stay there and if i like it. LIVE THERE. i need to make friends...but HONESTLY a huge part of me wants to go do my own thing with the support i need....that i think i am lacking. sof is my number one support--she gets me. but not only that--i would be doing my OWN thing...none of my other acting friends would be there (i don't think...)and i could be creative without anyone i know.

i want to cut ties with people and start FRESH. where i don't have to rely on anyone and no one has to rely on me. i want to leave.

so, i guess that has made my decision then? maybe i will go to L.A in August of this summer (my rent is already paid for) and i can come home in time to start a new life in a bachelor apartment with my lil sister and hope that we don't kill one another. hmmm. maybe the end of july or something?

which means, i will not going back to my ma's place before i need to. i need to push myself and stop whining.


this is a grown-up game. running home because i am scared and lonely isn't going to help me at all. it would be SO EASY for me to go home now. run away!

woah, this blog DOES help.

word.
xoxoxox

this has nothing to do with yoga.

i need to get laid so i can relax.
but in order to relax...i need to get laid.
to relax so i can get laid.


i need to relax in order to get laid
and to get laid i need to relax

i need to take yoga so i can relax
in order to to relax i need to get laid
in order to get laid i need to relax
and to relax i need YOGA!

cycle. neverending;


so beautiful.
peace right here.
xoxo

gross.

betrayal.

way to make someone feel SHITTY.

fuck all of you.

xoxo

stop and stare.

woah. absolutely beautiful outside today. if it wasn't for cousin L...i probably would still be cooped up in my lovely basement apartment with the lil sis.

we sun-bathed. i think i am addicted to sunshine! woo. so excited. i also came to the conclusion that a cousin quest at the cottage would be such a great quest! it would be relaxing and fun. beer. burgs. hot dogs. sweet times three.

worked tuesday night. brought the sister and cousin R. it was fun at first...i am trying my hardest not to judge and be open to her but it gets hard when drinks are involved...

i was so mad and somehow at MY job--i was left looking and FEELING like i was the bad guy. always. it sucks because it IS my responsibility. family is my responsibility. it's not fair but it is the way it is. i need to stop whining. T and i were talking about it at work...she understands me. sooo creepy. but helpful.

it is so hard being the kid on a pedestal. 'omg, she drinks!' 'omg, she does this and that!'...if it was the other way around it wouldn't be a problem, but because it is me--i can't do 'anything' wrong. if i do...it is the most disapointing thing in the world. because SHE would never be irresponsible..ever.

haha, and when i am and when i make a mistake ONCE (and it would obviously be mild because i am not really THAT badass...) it is thrown in my face. yup.
i guess that's life right? haha--i fucking hate it. lots of resentment that i am working my ass off at trying to beat. it's a fucking grown-up game and there is no room for me to whine and cry about it.

speaking of crying--i have definitely done less of that. i cry when i really REALLY need to cry...but i find that i don't usually resort to tears anymore. definitely a great thing. very brave of me.

my new goal: to be brave.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT. fuck being scared right? what is the worst that is gonna happen? i won't die...and THAT scares me more than anything in this world.
death. shudder.

time for dinner. soup it isssssss....

WEDDING TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!

peace bitches.

xoxoxox

i keep bleeding, i keep, keep bleeding love.

this will be a short one.

i worked last night until 1am...not too bad considering how busy we were last night. we got rocked for the basketball game...i made decent money too. yay.

i had an audition that i had to cancel today because i woke up this morning feeling...off. i have never felt like that before. i smoked a j..a small one..last night and i had never bought pot from d before and i don't think i will again. i mean, i don't think that anything was intentionally laced but he is a coke dealer too, so who knows right? if it was laced or funky...it was definitely an accident.
so no work for me either. which is nice...i needed a day/night off. this week is gonna be absolutely crazy. sista is coming into town tomorrow morning, i work and then we have to dress shop...haha.

in closing, i have a wedding conquest. he is hot. he is hot. he is hot. the bride's brother...sweet. no relation.
we will see. i have three possible scenarios...which i will outline:

1) he brings a date or has a girlfriend--i give him the eyes/make friends/be lovely. melt his heart from far away...

2) no date--but he's stupid or a douchebag--make out with him (secretly..away from the sista and fam)

3) no date---he's charming--easy on the makeout/heavy on the eyes/MELT HIS HEART.

peace and love.
xoxox

lost. empty. help.

i cleaned today. my room is dust free and my fridge is smelling fresh. i feel good.

well, sorta.

i watched the breakup tonight. cried a little, cuz i'm a fucking baby...drank some pinot grigio (delicous) and made dinner for myself. to be honest, it was a very productive day.

i have two auditions tomorrow--one a print ad and another a commercial for muchmusic and speedstick. i am so grateful to be getting auditions--i cannot wait to book one. it's gonna happen soon. i can feel it.

so i finished the movie tonight and then did my usual lurking. I AM A LURK. a damn good one too. my biggest problem is i lurk the same people.
correction: i lurk the same guy.

stalker, i know. i just can't help it. i feel dumb lurking him hoping that he has made some sort of sign on his profile page (what's his status today?) that he thinks of me too. ew, i'm pathetic. isn't it a little endearing of me? spending so much energy sighing over one dude. a dude that doesn't even live in the same fucking city as me. or the same fucking country as me. EWWWWWW. i gross myself out.

this blog has made me more sad and bitter than i had originally hoped. not the blog as a whole, but this post, really.

i have declined in my pot consumption and i feel good. more productive kinda...although a few tokes and my house would be sparkling right now. fuuuck, i am a GREAT cleaner when i am stoned. soooo focused and soooo obsessive.
kinda freaky...

siesta now.

peace and love.
xoxoxox


ps. j, i miss you. we had so much fuuuun together. it hurts me that you are busy and do not have time to reply to my messages...it hurts me more when i think about how pathetic i am and how much of a loser you must think i am. EWWWW.

my perogative

britney knows her shit. dance party up in here.

i had a very long and productive day yesterday. i went to bed at 8pm. delicious.
audition. hair appt. photoshoot. it was good.

today i have an appt with my fridge. it is time for me to clean that sucker out. i am on a clean spree today because today is my first day with absolutely NOTHING scheduled. kinda exciting. i don't know what to do with myself. CLEANING TIME!

so much drama at the beginning of this week and i am proud to say that i am over it. i dumped some drama out of my life. it felt like i had finally taken a huge poo that i was holding in for 4 years. gross but that is exactly how i feel. haha. ewwwww.

cleaning time for me now, fuuuuckk.

peace and love.
xoxoxox

you got it bad.

had a day today.

way too emotional. too much drama.

woke up and went to work. another day at the office? not quite. i worked with T so it was fun. we got busy. good people. bad tips. bad people. good tips. hmmm. i never know anymore. i have chosen to stop judging my tables...oh man. also: work is my technique to getting present.

i make it my job to try and be as present as possible to all my tables. it's all good in this hood.

boys, guys, men...blah blah. fuuuuck, so over this. jokes. when can i ever be over them? fucking hate them but LOOOOVE them way too much to give them up. so true. the ultimate boy crazy heartbreaker.

fuuuck. porridge's ready. love to you T.

love and peace bitches.
xoxoxoxxo

love in this club.

last night was karaoke night at work. best at the bar. atleast in my opinion! i was totally wishing that i was up there singing...well i would only go up if i had had some alcohol in my system. i have to build the confidence right? but i was singing along to all the songs. some were really great and some were...good for them going up there!

i met a cute boy. he was singing karaoke and i spent the majority of the end of my shift sitting and talking to him and his boys. all great guys. meh, who knows. it is the beginning of summer. he got my number. i gave it to him. i never do that but he was a chill guy. and did i mention cute?

eri called me this afternoon from peru! best phone call ever!! i am so glad that she is rocking it there but i am super excited to see her when i go home in june. i feel randomly homesick for my friends and my family. weird because most of my family lives here...hmmmm.

i want to go into a studio and record some songs. i really do. i think that will be my next project. my next venture.

my coffee sucks. i wish i had a personal starbucks or timmy's at my place. mmm my coffee never tastes the same! urgh. speaking of starbucks--i had a green tea lemonade fom the bucks yesterday and it was DELICIOUS and thirst quenching. i totally recommend!

i am waiting on my phone call. i totally rocked it the other day. call me and tell me i booked it. because i did...i DID.

k-i need to peace out. i am thinking of leaving my place early so i can put some more moola on my visa...fuuuuuck. i hate money...and love it...mmm green.

peace and love.
xoxo

sunshine addiction

i woke up this morning later than i had wanted to. there is something so comfortable about liz's guest bed. when i sleep in that bed, i tend to get the best sleep of my life. it is soft and luxurious like a hotel bed but familiar...mostly because it is my cousin's place. home kinda.

family. it's kinda fucked. i am so lucky to have a close relationship with my family. i was talking to liz yesterday about how fucked up it would be not to have a close relationship with our mothers. we are so lucky.

i had a complete write-off day yesterday. i woke up, went to my ROCKING audition where i was late but still ROCKED it..., met tommie really quick for coffee and then made my way back to the home i wish i had. lizzie's palace. we lounged. lots of real world:denver. fucking colie is such a slut. we ate sushi...best miso soup ever. i wish i remembered the name of the place. i definitely felt very full when we left however. mmm sushi.

we thought smoking a bowl would help us ease our...bellies? ya, way to give us munchies. don't even get me started on those cookies aunt karen makes. heaven in every bite.

i saw baby mama with cousin liz last night too. funny, but more of a chick flick than a laugh-out-loud SNL style movie. i guess i always assume tina fey and amy poehler will always be snl...but honestly, tina fey rocked my boat. fuck, she's brilliant. and a total babe. amy is hilarious. but here i am, captain obvious.

i had a small walk this morning--love the sunshine. think i am addicted. it's a good thing i have found a new thing to love because pot is no more for this lil lady. not for a little while atleast. save it for a celebration! SUNSHINNNNEEE and lilacs. omg, lilacs remind me so much of granny. i smelt them the whole way down my street and suddenly felt so nostalgic. i remember the days when i would wake up in sunshine, play with daisy, and go outside and smell granny's perfectly purple lilacs. the smell of summer i guess. yum. also reminds me of last days of elementary school.
WHAT IS WITH THAT?
why does everything remind me of the last days of elementary school lately? maybe that's what i will always think of when i smell budding trees, growing grass, and dirt. sense memory. hmmm. fabulous.

k-well i want to go dance infront of my mirror and pluck my eyebrows. woah, private moment.

love and peace!

xoxox

awake but still i am dreaming...

i worked last night. i worked the door. i was the fucking bouncer. hilarious.
i put some of my tips in my bra and then had to fish them out later. i guess i forgot a few coins because when i was getting ready for bed i became a human slot machine. sweet. a loonie.
a party of thirty drunks came in. some really smokin' guys. one tried to leave with out blow-up bud light cup. it was pretty funny.

can pot make you a bitch? is it possible to become a bitch because i smoke pot? does it even make any sense? i think i've always been bitchy. anyone who knows me...and i mean KNOWS me...especially when i was younger knows i can throw a mean tantrum.
hmm... i think i am over some shit.

i am beyond excited to live on my own. i continually wake up with dreams of interior decorating ideas and the vision of me coming home and being as naked as i want to be. as selfish as i want to be. fuck, i am so excited!

i went for breaky with some family this morning for mother's day. i was asleep the whole morning. i only had 4 hours of sleep...this blog entry is my attempt of staying awake to 'enjoy' my day...even though all i want to do is sleep and pretend i actually made it to the gym. i should really go but fuuuuck i don't want to. i wonder if there is a way for me to work out/do cardio without leaving my basement apartment..carmen electra strip aerobics? hmm..one of those things i can do when i live completely alone. way to look dumb...half way through a strip routine and my roomie and her bf walk in...i'm half naked (naturally...i mean, the pussycat dolls don't wear full shirts either) sweating with my booty all up in the air 'trying' to look sexy. yup...REAL sexy. barf.

i am going to retire from this blog and possibly do some serious facebook lurking. the only sport i am good at. oh, maybe i will do my hair. i think it is time i try and curl my locks. fuck, it's going to take me forever.

peace and love.

xoxox

vision boarding.

i swear. the vision board idea is a genius one. thank you tommie for that one!

had a relaxing day. a good productive day. it's funny, i think a day is productive if i leave my house....oh man. so lazy.

mer slept over, it was nice. we finally had a hangout. i missed her when she went home.
lunch with liz (reading the blog yet?) delicious food, art, and shoes. all awesome.
gym with kass--pilates makes me giggle and cardio rhythm makes me look stupid and...giggle. hmmm. obviously.
and audition tomorrow.

i made a vision board on wednesday so that i can start letting the fucking universe understand that it is time i audition....and i told myself and mer that i was going to audition thursday or friday. but i will be. and i think i even blogged it. check it out. hmmm. i am psychic.

it's at 4pm tomorrow so i might be running late for my shift but i doubt it. yay. this part is totally mine. i made a vision board about it.

haha, i'm hilarious.

i need to escape this blog. and ew, my place smells like...nasty. i need to air this baby out tomorrow. i think it's my fridge...maybe...hmmm.

tomorrow is mine.

peace and love.

seeing red

i am officially pissed.

i don't think i have felt this angry in a long time. i want to cry but i can't. i can't cry because i am too angry i wish tears could save me from myself. i wish a lot would save me from myself.

stupid ignorant customers. my service was fucking great. at their beck and call. what do they want me to do? wipe their asses?

i cannot wait to smoke pot tonight. it's necessary. i like it. fucking smoking pot might be a taboo but i could give a shit. i am angry and i need to breathe. yes, i need drugs to help me breathe and unwind. whatever.

i got a coffee today from starbucks that i didn't get to finish or drink really. it was delicious...for the most part. as i got on the subway today my horoscope in the metro was enlightening. i ripped it out. this is what it said:

stop working for a while and just relax (huh!). final plans are failing to please a woman. someone has not been maintaining their resolutions.

hmmm.

also, something brilliant tina told me when she was on vaca at my place. she is brilliant by the way:

the opposite of love is not hate--but indifference.

fucking true. i really like the sound of that.

gonna attempt the gym tomorrow. i have to sort some shit out with management. fuck, that is so awkward. oh well. what can i do? i am profiting anyway right?

profit. hmmm.

i'm over this. love and whatever.
pot and peace. fucking brilliant.
xoxox

this is a grown-up game.

i have the apartment to myself this week. i am overjoyed. i feel like it has been forever since i've sat in my own place, my own thoughts. i am counting down the days until i can have my own space all the time. yay.

i lit some candles, put on a random mix cd my cousin had made me. new music. i've been in a music rut for awhile. it is so nice to appreciate other music. it says something different to me. makes me feel different. sometimes more connected. more grounded. i've been missing out.

i made a vision board today. i have auditions all week. thursday. friday. it is time for me to start living. that is the only way i can put it. i need to start chilling out. something i hope this blog will help me out with...i'm a regular carrie bradshaw. if only.

i am definitely a lot darker than i let myself be. i don't know exactly what that means, but i know that it is true. the truth. i need to get myself out there. out there...

i met with a large agency yesterday and had my ego bruised. i agree with them. i don't think i am ready for 'them' yet but i am fucking ready. KL will be calling me this week and i have a phone conference with V tonight. this is my summer. it has to be. it is.

i had the best vacation with tina last week. we smoked pot, ate food, got horrendously drunk and giggled. the best and most relaxing vaca in a long time. it was much needed for the both of us. beer brings us down from the sugar high we get from being stoned...and pot helps us recover from our hangovers...it's cyclical, really.

i am going to go grab some food and rent the first season of the L WORD. great show. i know now what T is always swooning over. great actors. great script. great love.

MLS is coming back in august and i am excited to start working with her. the reason i say start is because i was a brat those four days. a brat. makes sense, but it was super annoying and i can only be grateful that she saw past my resistance and wants to work with me again. haha.

i can only be the best i can be. that best is the best. there is no room for me to be someone i'm not. if that makes me a bitch, then that makes me a bitch. i can't help it.

words to eliminate:
-can't
-really

boys. guys. men. hmmm.
j. i trust you. wish you were around more. we have the most fun together. you make me smile.
b. you confuse me. we don't fight for eachother enough. i don't know if we should.
m. ya. i don't want to fall for you again and i am afraid that it'll happen. it is happening. stop please.

this blog is like a brain fart and i really like it. i am listening to music that i have never heard before and i really LOVE it. dominic has good taste in tunes.
i am sitting in candlelight. i am going out for dinner and most definitely need to freshen up.

this is a grown-up game. it is time that i trust myself more. now more than ever.

xoxo