grumble grumble.

friday: the wedding.
absolutely breathtaking and so drunk. i had an AMAZING time. so amazing, that i bawled when it was over. yup, i sobbed in the cab all the way back to my place. then S peed on my driveway. i don't know which is more sad. haha. no, S was great...helping me out and comforting me.

'you won't be alone forever'
'you won't be single forever'

fuuck, i DO need to change my blog title 'SINGLE IN THE CITY'...ew.

i saw the sex and the city movie yesterday with cousin and sister. i missed the SATC girls! makes me want to stop whining about how lonely i am--and fucking make friends?

for someone who makes friends easily, i have none to prove...

i've been battling some serious issues in the last few days.
firsty, the wedding was beautiful and seeing my family only made me weep harder. they are such a great group of family---i don't know if i have ever seen so much LOVE in a family. open L-O-V-E. it was so refreshing. S and i looked fantastic (total side note)

saw the fam. missed them. bawled. met my conquest. realized he was so hot/cute/great/funny and YAY has a girlfriend of 5 years and it is VERY VERY serious
--that didn't stop me from TRYING to dance with him...he ran off to his girlfriend. i bet i made a huge fool of myself. i swear it was the double vodka sodas. i swear!

also, what the fuck am i doing in this city? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

i would love if someone could tell me...because i have seemed to forget why i have left my friends and family to live in a city where rent is over priced and i am alone. hmmmm. anyone? ANYONE???

oh yaaaaaaaaaa. i want to be an actor. fuuuck, i am an actor. i am an actor that wants a break. in more ways than one. hey martin scorcese! i'm fucking ready. holla!!

i want to travel and vacation somewhere. i know that i want to go to L.A and stay with my cousin Sophie and Steve-o. my issue is i can't travel and pay rent here. you know, i was thinking, live here for a year...maybe vacation and then STAY in cali. yup...STAY THERE. get the fuck out of canada and helloooo sunshine! i think that is going to be my new goal. give myself a year and then stay there and if i like it. LIVE THERE. i need to make friends...but HONESTLY a huge part of me wants to go do my own thing with the support i need....that i think i am lacking. sof is my number one support--she gets me. but not only that--i would be doing my OWN thing...none of my other acting friends would be there (i don't think...)and i could be creative without anyone i know.

i want to cut ties with people and start FRESH. where i don't have to rely on anyone and no one has to rely on me. i want to leave.

so, i guess that has made my decision then? maybe i will go to L.A in August of this summer (my rent is already paid for) and i can come home in time to start a new life in a bachelor apartment with my lil sister and hope that we don't kill one another. hmmm. maybe the end of july or something?

which means, i will not going back to my ma's place before i need to. i need to push myself and stop whining.


this is a grown-up game. running home because i am scared and lonely isn't going to help me at all. it would be SO EASY for me to go home now. run away!

woah, this blog DOES help.

word.
xoxoxox