who's that girl?

i packed up my things in my small basement room and left.

well, not exactly. i haven't left yet--although it feels like it. all of my stuff, my life, my personality and style all shoved in black garbage bags. how appropriate.

sitting at my empty desk in my empty room eating a cup-a-soup...moving is definitely a torturous activity. i do not wish it upon anyone. i cannot wait to move and then stay there for as long as i can afford to. my new place is going to be a new beginning. a new perpective. a new life.

i might even get myself a cat.

i have been unable to shake a serious anxious energy. this energy has taken over my mind and therefore my body, and all i want is to run away from it and get my shit done. as a result of this ANXIOUS energy--i was unable to make it to work today and i left work early a few days ago. maybe it is the stench of the place; the people; the constant demand for more ketchup, another beer, another smile...blah blah blah shoot me.

today i finished a book. it was a wonderful read. i kind of felt like i was the girl. i was the antagonist. i do talk (and type) in first person and i am fragmented. always. see?

it was a fun and quick read--i easily EASILY identified myself with her and i really enjoyed her obsessions. the book is called LITTLE STALKER.
sometimes i question if i am too a 'stalker'? i guess i am...

stalker of all sorts:

boys, men (a VERY different species), celebrities, diets, clothes, movies, celebrities, boys...

ew, if anyone reading this doesn't ACTUALLY know me--i swear, i am a good, smart human being. not a flake. well, not ALWAYS flake.

promise. i am more than men, boys, crushes, the latest fashion, the coolest and fastest diet....


am i?? oh man--time to re-evaluate myself as a human.


WAIT. NO!! i am valuable. i am smart. SO WHAT if perez hilton is my homepage! SUE ME.

fuuuck, i need to leave cyberspace and collect my thoughts...maybe read a new book. it's called YOUNG WIVES' TALES.

ew. i am that girl.

peace, love, and NO JUDGEMENT.
xoxoxoxxox

ps. the guy i was referring to in my last post was a random customer. i SHOULD have made it a little clearer. apologies all around. xo.

oooh oooh ooooh ooooh.

i am staring at the downtown. sitting on a lovely faded elephant-gray leather loveseat, i am staring at the downtown.

how did i get here?

i have been thinking alot about that lately. what was the moment i KNEW that i needed to do this. what was it that made me believe that i should be chasing this dream. what is that defining moment?

how can i feel so un-phased. un-phased, totally. i feel like i live the every day as present as possible...but do i REALLY?
obviously we are living in the present, but we are only living because of the past, looking towards our future. so how present are we really??

exactly.

exactly?

i was told the other day that i was 'just too cool'--whattt??? he insisted that he meant it in the most positive way--he thought i was funny and too cool...i am not gonna lie--THAT'S AMAZING, right? i have never been called cool before. not really the first word that comes to mind when i think of me. ME. lil' ol' spazzztic me? YAH RIGHT.

wanna know cool? erica is cool. anyone who knows erica KNOWS that she is chill and always COOL.

it has been forever since i last blogged. sorry. i am having such intense revelation weeks and it's been nutzo. NUTZO!

all i know is, is this is IT, baby. this is my time.

i can feel it. weird positive vibes...i am so ready.

moving this week. keys to my first bachelorette pad/studiio apartment wednesday. woah. what?

peace, love, and sucess.
this year is gonna kick.

xoxoxoxoxoxox

toxic.

back in the swing of things.

i worked these last three nights. work has changed for me.i find myself feeling freer, more at ease, less stressed, and patient. i am not really THAT patient, but i am definitely feeling a change in my patience. hmmm...

i got a promotion at work--i will be bartending soon. yay step up in a good direction! money money money, right? it will be nice to be able to talk to people--i want to be the bartender that gives advice, shares stories, loves...a girl can dream, right?

i am moving soon. my new place is already so amazing and i haven't even moved in yet. i have butterflies in my tummy because i can just feel POSITIVE VIBES for this upcoming year. why do i always think SEPTEMBER is the beginning of the year for me? it used to really screw me up in school...haha. i hate the idea of summer ending (NOT THAT WE HAVE HAD A VERY NICE SUMMER IN TORONTO!!) but i LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of a new apartment, new lifestyle, new outlooks--all things to look forward to.

RW's new apartment is amazing. it is such a positive, calming, and productive space. perfect for my RW. the windows and the trees--STUNNING!

tonight i am going to see a PINTER play. exciting and inspiring.

i have best friends on the phone and coming to visit. could my life be BETTER? i don't think so. right?

peace, faith, and love.
xoxoxoxoxox

if i loved you anymore

wow. LA has been incredible for me. truly rad. truly wonderful.
i tried my best to be the least tourist-y that i could be. i want to see everything but there is no rush to see everything right away...i will be back. i WILL be living here soon...gimme a year or two (max).

i have learnt so much about myself. about my life. about my dreams. i have spent a lot of time getting the 'scoop' on the 'realities' of the life in LA. this industry. this lifestyle.

i have spent the last two weeks hanging out with the most rad people. all established adults working to make their dreams a reality. how inspiring.

i am already so upset with the thought of returning to my reality. i know for certain my reality has COMPLETELY changed for the better. i have discovered the truth...

the questions i used to ask myself...questions that i still have...

am i good enough?
do i have what it takes?
do i have a chance?
can this really happen for me?

two weeks here and the answers are yes yes yes yes.

i am better than i let myself be. i thought coming to LA would result in me feeling ugly, self-conscious, wrong, undesirable...

the more time i spend with the most amazing people, the more i realize i am GOOD enough. this IS powerful. i can't wait to go home to execute my strength. i am at the best place i could possibly be in my life. i am young, pretty, and talented. i have what it takes. the thing i am missing is self-confidence and the focus that i need.
less and more sacrifice than i have been willing to execute. it is my time. mark my words. please.

there are so many things that i am ready to do that i have been the ultimate LAX about...times are changing. i won't be this young forever. i won't be this free forever. i have nothing NOTHING nothing holding me back.

i am serious. times are changing and i am finally settling my feet down. ready to handle my life. my dreams. my focus.

peace, love, and inspiration.
xoxoxox
there is never a time when you can't change your life.
you make the rules.
it will not make you a bad/better/worse/good person. fuck them.
love yourself.