i kissed a girl and i liked it

i woke up this morning much earlier than i had thought i would. i am going to see some theatre and then work work work...again. ten days straight. holla! money!

work was pretty lame last night--lame because it all ran pretty smoothly...nothing too dramatic happened. i mean, there is ALWAYS drama but nothing too crazy--no brawls, stabbings, walk-outs...I GOT A DOZEN ORANGE ROSES THOUGH!! this one drunk regular was waving hundred dollars around--drinking like a fish...and he bought four of us ladies a dozen roses EACH. yup, E-A-C-H. the majority of the other chicks gave their roses away but noooo way. not me. i NEVER get roses--i clutched onto them with all my might. like a beauty pageant queen--haha! my secret dream! they are absolutely gorgeous and smell divine! yay roses!

one month until L.A!! i am so super pumped! i can't wait to SHOP!! i don't remember the last time i went shopping...like REAL shopping. :D

i saw T a couple of days ago. she was back in the city--so good to see her...see? i DO have friends!!

alrighty, i want to go fix my hair/manage it/ do SOMETHING, anything, whatever to this mess of a hairdo. such a short post today. meh, i'm okay with it.

peaceeee and sunshine.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

make your ceiling your floor.

woah. it HAS been forever!!! well, this will be a good one, promise. k--so i have broken some shit down today! i had one of the best days of my life today!!!! listen to how sweet my day was. haha, you have to no choice. i'm gonna tell you anyway! (you know it's going to be a good story, look at how many exclamations marks i have already used?)

i woke up this morning after a very restful sleep--a very rare thing in my life. very satisfying slumber. ANYWAY: after a very studious day yesterday working on lines of a great audition--a massive film. i fucking auditioned for a union principal today! great script. great director. AMAZING!! the first of many. omg, amazing. i am still smiling. ok, so last night i had a meltdown--i guess that's why my sleep was so restful...no energy from all the crying and the personal peptalk. i think i might have slapped myself, kinda unsure. it's all kinda a blur.

i got an amazing email from sof last night. she told me to relax and that this AUDITIONING thing i'm doing, is the real motherfucking deal. k, maybe she wasn't that vulgar. fuuuck, what's wrong with me? aw. dude.

after the audition that i think i rocked (hello, call backs!) i met k at the construction site that she dominates (you should see her cute white helmet!); we walked back to her house and then i called RANDOMLY a house that said there was a bachelor available...called. checked it out. LUCK IS ON MY SIIIIIDE!! it was the most adorable, creative space i have ever seen. this apartment is in a hundred year old building. let's talk dark oak door frames and closet doors; AMAZING windows--and the most quaint bathroom. to die for.

hung out with sar and k...we most definately did some facebook lurking--god, love it. i really miss those girls. last summer it was always US. it's fucked how much my life has grown.

went for dinner with my favorite cousins. had a delicious meal--we all have great lives!! then we HIKED to a theatre to see a sketch comedy show that my A friend Justin was puting on. i don't know why i made that a a capital. i guess A stands for acting...too lazy to type the wordddd?? weiiiird.

GREAT show--very interesting and fun! it was super hot but the theatre space was intimate and very inviting. great choice of venu. it was so nice to see some people from MLS' class--gives me little boosts.

and here i am. blogging.

...and also, deeply and thoroughly considering going back through my blogs and edit people's names. that way i could possibly make this blog public and MOST LIKELY (now that i am REALLY thinking about it) will be using in a project. i have a new personal project that i think would be super chill. will DEFINATELY be talking to a certain YFC about this creative creation!

if i didn't waste my knuckle cracking power this morning at my audition--i'd crack my knuckles right now...it feels good to be back, bloggers!

whine less. breathe more. oooooh!

peace and loveeeee.

xoxoxoxo

it's too late to appologize.

i have taken forever to blog. maybe it's because i am at my mom's place. maybe it's because i am in a rut. maybe it's because i'm lazy.

it's probably that.

to be honest (yay!) it is because i am overly lazy. L-A-Z-Y. i AM lazy and i want to conquer that. i am having a very surreal visit back home. surreal in the sense that it is unlike any visit i have had in this house. i have come home with a completely new attitude, a maturity that was unknown to me before. when i used to live in the house--the overall dynamic was different. sure, my relationships with my mom and my sister have ultimately remained the same (some bumps along the way but you know)...

i have come to terms that my sister and i will not be best friends. i'm not saying ever, i mean now. we will not be living together...i have no idea what i will be doing/what i am doing with my life. like always, (god, i am feeling SO carrie bradshaw season one 'and i wonder...') WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

i will be vacationing and loving L.A in a month...and when i come back--back to reality. boo.

is it weird that i want to DUMP everyone out of my life? start fresh. FUCK Y'ALL!
maybe. kinda weird...

i went out on wednesday to a pool hall/hangout and ran into a large number of people that i have left in my life. classmates from middle school even! (talk about random!)
i saw some boys from my past--and felt grossed out. it is definitely time to ditch M and get on with my life.
why? because i have too many precious people in my life that i should be loving.
why? because i deserve better.
why? because there is way too much drama and if i ditch him maybe i can move on with my life...open doors to men that are not twelve year-old girls. wah wah wahhh!

i feel as though i am sitting in a creative rut. a RUT! i am hoping to try and find a dance class that i can routinely go to (something to look forward to); consider spending some time and money in a recording studio (who knows, riiight?); and most of all HAVE FUN. i want to explore my options--be creative.

i came to the realization that i have been very involved in the arts from such a young age--not only that i've always LOVED it. do you know many fourth graders asking their mothers to go to a prestigious speech and drama school? it's not the most common thing i think...well, maybe it is. i don't have any fucking clue, really.
POINT IS, i have always been involved in SOMETHING, anything, whatever and it has only hit me that i have not been involved in anything--class, lessons, artistic movements--NOTHING...in so long. SOOOO long. i remember how excited i was to take MLS' intensive. jumping for joy. i could finally work my magic...haha, i joke. but i could finally explore some creative aspects of my being..work on something. discover. play. fuuuck, i am so getting involved the moment i set foot in the bus station back to my home.

i am rekindling friendships that have been lost due to college/university/cities. the majority of these friendships were always very creative ones. very inspirational ones. motivational and NOT LAZY.

i have some plans now. the idea of plans make me ever so happy. ever so joyful. i like the idea of working towards something, getting some (ANY) validation (something i am lacking at the moment)...PLANS. my favorite.

my favorite because it means a sense of control. oooh how i love controlling.
what can i say? I'M BOSSY! (sue me!)

it feels good to be back and blogging.

peace and loveeeeee
xoxoxoxox

ps. if it makes you happy--it can't be that bad. riiight?
also--new headshots. time to throw out the spokesmodel and show the world who i really am. excited.

bedazzled.

this weekend. hmm, what did i do this weekend? i feel as though it was not very productive or interesting enough to even blog about...

my facebook horoscope...i really dig it:

you like your associates, although it's very hard for you not to feel superior while in their presence. you must be willing to push aside anyone who stands in your way today. you can't expect everyone to like you. just be sure you are able to distinguish between your friends and your foes.

there was a brawl at work on saturday...damn euro cup--really gets the testosterone flowing. this dude knifed this other dude with a butter knife...probably over something really juvenile. i guess that is guys for you huh? anyway, there was blood everywhere and the really REALLY angry dude went to pull something outta his pants and i swear i heard someone yell 'HIT THE DECK' and i ran out the back door with my friend.
yup, i ran away. no fucking way am i getting shot! NO. FUCKING. WAY!

soooo...i have had a random two nights with a certain ex-boyfriend of one of my best friends...DON'T WORRY BLOGGERS, nothing happened! i would never do anything like that, well, i'd like to think i wouldn't. ESPECIALLY with this male friend. NOT HAPPENING. anyway, let's say there was mucho alcohol involved but i will have y'all know that i made him sleep on the futon. YUP! i was there for him to vent to...we are 'friends' but i think it could get really sticky. so no more being friends i think. my friendship with him is not worth the shit that will go down if anything would happen.
to make matters worse--he told me that he didn't 'trust' us...what the FUCK does that mean? i don't know what he is thinking but there is no fucking way anything would develop. he shouldn't speak for me. i don't trust HIM.

newsflash: i don't trust dudes. is this news to youuu??? nope? didn't think so.

i definitely saw the SEX AND THE CITY MOVIE for the third time today. yup kids, THREE TIMES!! so great, but no more. not until it is released to dvd...haha!! even though i have seen it three times--it's all GOOD! i definitely got better looks at the shoes and outfits. gives me inspiration to re-work my wardrobe...or lack thereof. boo.

and the black flats i bought for work SUCK. S-U-C-K!!!! my feet are so broken. not broken in the 'my shoes were so cute it was worth it', oh no. more of the 'i hate these hideous shoes and my feet are bleeding. i want to end my life!'

i went to the gym on friday and ran. RAN!!! anyone who knows me KNOWS how much i loathe cardio...i'm just not good at it. i don't have the stamina for jogging on the treadmill. and i WANT to good at it. on friday i made a pact with myself to CONQUER that motherfucking machine. and i did. I RAN FOR TWENTY MINUTES NON-STOP! which is a huge success!!! it was so liberating and i felt like after 10-15 minutes my body was ENJOYING IT! and so i went to the gym again today and ran for TWENTY-FIVE minutes! i am working it up to 30-45 minutes of running. it was soo nice and liberating. i felt really free. i am aware that it sounds absolutely...CLICHE...but it really is freeing. i am so proud of myself. my legs are killer right now.
it's funny, i know that i went to the gym twice in the last three days and i walk around knowing that. a huge smile on my face...haha, and i know there is actually no difference in my legs YET slash body YET but i feel better about myself! MY LEGS KILL.

and ya, i ate FOUR PUDDINGS tonight. all that SEX AND THE CITY--damn charlotte eating all that pudding made me crave it! i ate all four in a matter of two hours. hello oinker over here!

i am outta here for tonight. i think i will be smoking a joint with my new roomie...and friend? i don't know if it's too soon to call her that? HAHAAAA!! pudding makes me kooky.

L.A SOON!!!! hollywood here i come!!

peace and love
xoxoxoxox

L.A girl: bright delights

i woke up this morning kinda whatever. i mean, last night (at work) a guy walked out on me, so i was left to foot his bill! so damn annoying. i mean, i worked so hard last night...and it was pretty damn busy. it was the stanley cup finals!

everytime i hear the NHL anthem, all i think about is my daddy. i do. i'm literally, like 'dad! you wanna anotha' budweiser?'.

anywayyy, today was been very successful and productive. i did not wake up early to go to the gym (training at 12 is the hardest thing to wake up for!) and i got a text from my trainer making it tomorrow at 12! P-E-R-F-E-C-T! right? i mean, i didn't even want to think about getting out of the bed!

woke up. googled airfare from t.o to l.a...and found a serious good deal on tix with west jet!!! sweet seat sales! called mom. got an advance from her (thankkkk youuuu momma!). talked to sof on the phone. bought some plane tickets to LOS ANGELES! no biggie...JOKING!!! omg!! i am going to L.A at the end of next month...means i am gonna have to work my butt off before then but HOLLAAAA!!

got my passport picture taken today (was so excited that i am actually going, that i took 10 minutes to get ready...no fuss...and no eyeliner! so proud). filled out all the passport stufffff (i gotta express that shit fast) and i went online and finished my smart serve! and now that i am going to L.A, i have more of an encentive (sp?)to get fit...i dunno, i really REALLY wanna vacation properly there! i also am so excited for a vacation i could cry. weep, really.

so yes, productive day. i start my day tomorrow at noon with my hot personal trainer. yay.

could my life be better? i don't think so.

i wonder why i am constantly stressed and sad when i should be fucking LOVING my life. i have WAY too much to be grateful for. i need to get off my high horse and start appreciating the life i have. fuck.

peace and OH SO MUCH LOOOOOOOVE
xoxoxox

ps. i had the most CRACKED-OUT cab ride home last night. i got high with ashley and 'the other' holly after work last night and then got into a cab...and this fucking cab was already cracked out but the fact that i was stoned too...did. not. help!

he had a cowboy hat...he looked like the east indian twin of willie nelson...IS THAT POSSIBLE? and to make matters worse, his voice was really light and smooth (fucking freaky!!), and he was listening to the weirdest music...like indian beats...but all repetitive and uncool for the state of high i was in.

this is what i penciled down last night...when i finally made it home:

weirdest cab driver

cowboy hat-random wat indian music...

high and SO hardcore

-is my life a movie?


WELL, there it is. hmmm.

silly representin'

i think i am doubting the blog.
wait, no.

k-listen. i am sitting in my apartment by myself. with two pounds of chicken wings. a book: 'he's just not that into you'. and shampoo. shamp-fucking-poo! herbal essences called 'long term relationship'. is that a sign from the universe? is it telling me that:


yes, i want a relationship. i feel like i need to be loved.

or

no, you are pathetic. stop moping around like an idiot.


i don't know which one sounds...more appealing. i am really alone in my place. well, not really. i mean, i love my place and i feel safe here. i like to be by myself...but i think i am starting a new phase of...phase? hmmm...i feel like i am embracing my new independent girl. like, personality bootcamp? does that even make sense????

i hope for your sake that i made some sense there.

hello blog friends! hello blog universe! woah--blogssss. i get it.

peace bitches!! time for wings and 'the sweetest thing'

being an independent woman (destiny's child! hollllaaaa!)...is it all it's cracked up to be??

xoxoxox

don't forget to remember me.

i woke up at 2pm today and went clean crazy.

i cleaned where i have never cleaned before...NASTY but so worth it! i feel so much better in this mopped/swept/clean CLEAN CLEEEAAAN home. it definitely got my energy up... AND it is absolutely BEAUUUUTIFUL outside. warm and sunny. just the way i like it.

i've been brainstorming alot about my writing. i think that i could very much write a book of my relationships/life/details of my situations...i love the details. very important to me. anyone who knows me knows that i don't know how to tell a story straight to the point...it is vital that 'they' know that i thought red was the perfect colour on him; that he said i had nice eyes; that i ate a burger before and i smelt like cheese...

i have never really considered myself a writer before. but maybe i should? i mean, my sketch book is almost full--i am trying to embrace all my artistic elements...whether it be sketches, figurative dance, my blog writing....

i came home from work last night and got high with the sister...and then had a mini dance party in my bathroom to timbaland's 'bounce'. that song reminds me of the hip hop cardio class i take....oh and a SERIOUS good dance song!!! great beats.

i wish that i had taken my love for dance more seriously. i think i feel like that with a lot...for example, singing. i wish that i had made room in my life to be able to pursue singing too...but i guess that would have required me to have a lot of money as a child. classes, lessons...all very expensive. and i am pretty sure, as a kid the dedication i would have had for all the arts wouldn't be as intense as it would be for me today. urgh, kids.

also, i have discovered that i am a very VERY LAZY person. i was thinking of the notes that MLS gave me...i am lazy and i am also destined to be something bigger and greater but i am FUCKING LAZY.

ew, i am over being lazy. fuuuck, it is so true too.

time to beat my resistance.

peaceeeeee!
xoxoxoxox

grumble grumble.

friday: the wedding.
absolutely breathtaking and so drunk. i had an AMAZING time. so amazing, that i bawled when it was over. yup, i sobbed in the cab all the way back to my place. then S peed on my driveway. i don't know which is more sad. haha. no, S was great...helping me out and comforting me.

'you won't be alone forever'
'you won't be single forever'

fuuck, i DO need to change my blog title 'SINGLE IN THE CITY'...ew.

i saw the sex and the city movie yesterday with cousin and sister. i missed the SATC girls! makes me want to stop whining about how lonely i am--and fucking make friends?

for someone who makes friends easily, i have none to prove...

i've been battling some serious issues in the last few days.
firsty, the wedding was beautiful and seeing my family only made me weep harder. they are such a great group of family---i don't know if i have ever seen so much LOVE in a family. open L-O-V-E. it was so refreshing. S and i looked fantastic (total side note)

saw the fam. missed them. bawled. met my conquest. realized he was so hot/cute/great/funny and YAY has a girlfriend of 5 years and it is VERY VERY serious
--that didn't stop me from TRYING to dance with him...he ran off to his girlfriend. i bet i made a huge fool of myself. i swear it was the double vodka sodas. i swear!

also, what the fuck am i doing in this city? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

i would love if someone could tell me...because i have seemed to forget why i have left my friends and family to live in a city where rent is over priced and i am alone. hmmmm. anyone? ANYONE???

oh yaaaaaaaaaa. i want to be an actor. fuuuck, i am an actor. i am an actor that wants a break. in more ways than one. hey martin scorcese! i'm fucking ready. holla!!

i want to travel and vacation somewhere. i know that i want to go to L.A and stay with my cousin Sophie and Steve-o. my issue is i can't travel and pay rent here. you know, i was thinking, live here for a year...maybe vacation and then STAY in cali. yup...STAY THERE. get the fuck out of canada and helloooo sunshine! i think that is going to be my new goal. give myself a year and then stay there and if i like it. LIVE THERE. i need to make friends...but HONESTLY a huge part of me wants to go do my own thing with the support i need....that i think i am lacking. sof is my number one support--she gets me. but not only that--i would be doing my OWN thing...none of my other acting friends would be there (i don't think...)and i could be creative without anyone i know.

i want to cut ties with people and start FRESH. where i don't have to rely on anyone and no one has to rely on me. i want to leave.

so, i guess that has made my decision then? maybe i will go to L.A in August of this summer (my rent is already paid for) and i can come home in time to start a new life in a bachelor apartment with my lil sister and hope that we don't kill one another. hmmm. maybe the end of july or something?

which means, i will not going back to my ma's place before i need to. i need to push myself and stop whining.


this is a grown-up game. running home because i am scared and lonely isn't going to help me at all. it would be SO EASY for me to go home now. run away!

woah, this blog DOES help.

word.
xoxoxox