falling away.

i've had quite a few days. it's been such a whirlwind of emotions, drama, chaos!!!
it was such silliness that one of the first things i thought to do was update my blog. i need to just...vent? get some stuffff out there in the blog universe.

why is it so easy to feel like your whole world is crumbling down on you? why is it so easy to succumb to the dramatics of life? why do i sometimes feel as if there will never be a solution? hmmm.

i put some order into the chaos that is my life. as you can see, i've changed my blog name-it's the same as my twitter name too-oohhh look at me go!

***

so, i've have had some time to think, ponder, question, cry. wah. i've been battling what i thought was a little cold--which blew up to become the cold of all colds. not really all that physically awful-the usual: sniffles, stuffiness, cough coughing, lozenge taking and ODing on vitamin C--but i really wanted to "rest".."rest" to feel better and get this thing outta me so i can keep living my life. i won't let you (you, being the cold) stop ME from doing the things i normally do...like..enjoying food, and going outside, and working, and...seeing people.

fucking isolation. what is that?!

all this thinking i was doing was making me upset. it hurt my poor little cute brain. i thought about everything...from the choices i make to the clothes i wear...it pissed me off. you know when you're sick and EVERYTHING comes at you and you just want it to leave? like..EVERYTHING..everything shitty happens to you when you're feeling shitty... (here's to never feeling shitty again and for always having positive things happening around me!!)...so shittiness happened and i was left feeling like i was confused about my life, my choices, my beliefs, my closet, fuuccck, this was brutal, right?

i came to some conclusions--hey! life can throw you a curveball but i ain't dying! I'M NOT DYING. this is terrific. and yes, it's a total cornfest but really..life is...good. GREAT. THE BEST! the only way to get outta tricky and shitty situations is through them. ACTUALLY. i'm being serious here bloggers.

sitting and wallowing in self misery is NOT the solution (even though it feels SO DAMN GOOD) it's not going to get you ANYWHERE! i had a friend of mine today (god, love her) talk to me on the phone-no sympathy:

"holly, what's up? let's figure this shit out. well...what about this? why haven't you tried this? well what did you change? why? k..well maybe if you did this..."

AMAZING. i love no bullshit. fucking love and respect her more. sometimes as much as we love sympathy (and LORRRDDDDD knows i love it) it doesn't always do us good. it helps feed the wallowing. if it wasn't for her-i'd probably be sitting on my kitchen floor eating that bucket of ice cream, crying.

good thing i finished that ice cream yesterday and there are no tears left in me. goodness.

***

i have decided that i am going to expand my creative abilities. dance classes, voice training...i'm going to write more. even if it's complete garbage...you'd tell me if i totally sucked right bloggers?!

mad love.
xoxox

ps. unhappiness is the unwillingness to confront something/someone. think about it.

she sits home and dreams that her man will leave his mark on her hand.

i just watched a few episodes of SATC-i will never be sick of those girls. oh the drama, the cocktails, but omg, the FASHION. i think i would be an incredible fashion stylist. truth.

i wish i had a lot of money so i could shop and CREATE the ultimate looks. i think that's what i like about clothes. i can create a look, a mood, a attitude. i should really apply this to my acting.

i took an incredible workshop last week-how incredible it feels to be cause over your career. i am totally in business. my career is taking off.

***

i was in the beaches this weekend with my dear friend c. we sat on the boardwalk with our starbucks and watched the dogs, babies, couples walk by. we talked of life, love, careers, what success is. who defines success? and what is success?
i believe it to be personal. one's idea of 'success' is very different than another's. who is to say that THIS is the right way or THAT is the wrong one?
there are many people on this planet that feel as though they have some sort of entitlement--if i have to listen to one more person tell me how i feel, how i should feel, what i see or what i don't--i will crack. who the fuck are you?

i think it is of complete importance to believe in yourself-and not in a corny "bullshitty" way--i mean this seriously. you are the only one in your life who is living your life. man up and do what you want to do. this doesn't mean...be an asshole, listen to no one, and wreck havoc in your life--this means, you are the only one who can control your life. your love. your success. your happiness.

i would like to clear up the word control. no it is not negative--as many people are led to believe. if you think about it...there is no such thing as bad control. it's either control or uncontrol. just because one is controlled or has control--this does not make the act of control BAD...obviously, look at the act in which one is controlling. if the act is unfair, painful, and insane--there is still good control. good controlling of the insane act. do you follow?
if one was to drive a car, they have good control over that machine, right?! if the street is straight and then turns and the driver does not move the steering wheel in the proper direction-no control, uncontrolled machine-disaster! right?!

so basically what i was getting at was this: you are the only one with control over your life. your life is not 'the cards that have been dealt'...there is never a time when you cannot change your life for the better. something can be done about anything. you have control. and it's awesome.

woah. sometimes i surprise myself. haha cool!
i am gonna go for a walk. watch people--that sounds so stalkyyy. haha.

peace. love. change. (it's a good thing)
xoxox

common sense knows that you're not good enough for me.

hey. i know it's been awhile, seems like forever actually. i've been thinking about you recently-i wanted to appologize to you. i realize that i was a total bitch to you! i am sorry i left things hanging after our last hangout (which was forever ago). i know this might be totally random-i just wanted to tell you that you're a great guy and i hope we can be friends.

***

i miss you. i miss checking my phone for your witty text messages. i miss laughing at all hours of the night. i miss your music, your laugh, your broken down van. i miss your weird food rders, your dressy attire. i once thought we were meant to be-so perfect for one another-we could keep up with one another. we should've got jerseys-we made a great team! i will always know that underneath your witty banter, your vests, your love of orange juice, and all your iphone applications-i will always know that i deserve better. i deserve more than your jokes, your smile. i deserve your heart and your complete beingness-that's what i would've given to you.
i miss you. i wish i could make you see that i was the one for you. worst of all, i wish i could wrap my head around the fact that you don't deserve me. not even a little. not even a bit. not even at all.

xoxo