this has nothing to do with yoga.

i need to get laid so i can relax.
but in order to relax...i need to get laid.
to relax so i can get laid.


i need to relax in order to get laid
and to get laid i need to relax

i need to take yoga so i can relax
in order to to relax i need to get laid
in order to get laid i need to relax
and to relax i need YOGA!

cycle. neverending;


so beautiful.
peace right here.
xoxo

gross.

betrayal.

way to make someone feel SHITTY.

fuck all of you.

xoxo

stop and stare.

woah. absolutely beautiful outside today. if it wasn't for cousin L...i probably would still be cooped up in my lovely basement apartment with the lil sis.

we sun-bathed. i think i am addicted to sunshine! woo. so excited. i also came to the conclusion that a cousin quest at the cottage would be such a great quest! it would be relaxing and fun. beer. burgs. hot dogs. sweet times three.

worked tuesday night. brought the sister and cousin R. it was fun at first...i am trying my hardest not to judge and be open to her but it gets hard when drinks are involved...

i was so mad and somehow at MY job--i was left looking and FEELING like i was the bad guy. always. it sucks because it IS my responsibility. family is my responsibility. it's not fair but it is the way it is. i need to stop whining. T and i were talking about it at work...she understands me. sooo creepy. but helpful.

it is so hard being the kid on a pedestal. 'omg, she drinks!' 'omg, she does this and that!'...if it was the other way around it wouldn't be a problem, but because it is me--i can't do 'anything' wrong. if i do...it is the most disapointing thing in the world. because SHE would never be irresponsible..ever.

haha, and when i am and when i make a mistake ONCE (and it would obviously be mild because i am not really THAT badass...) it is thrown in my face. yup.
i guess that's life right? haha--i fucking hate it. lots of resentment that i am working my ass off at trying to beat. it's a fucking grown-up game and there is no room for me to whine and cry about it.

speaking of crying--i have definitely done less of that. i cry when i really REALLY need to cry...but i find that i don't usually resort to tears anymore. definitely a great thing. very brave of me.

my new goal: to be brave.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT. fuck being scared right? what is the worst that is gonna happen? i won't die...and THAT scares me more than anything in this world.
death. shudder.

time for dinner. soup it isssssss....

WEDDING TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!

peace bitches.

xoxoxox

i keep bleeding, i keep, keep bleeding love.

this will be a short one.

i worked last night until 1am...not too bad considering how busy we were last night. we got rocked for the basketball game...i made decent money too. yay.

i had an audition that i had to cancel today because i woke up this morning feeling...off. i have never felt like that before. i smoked a j..a small one..last night and i had never bought pot from d before and i don't think i will again. i mean, i don't think that anything was intentionally laced but he is a coke dealer too, so who knows right? if it was laced or funky...it was definitely an accident.
so no work for me either. which is nice...i needed a day/night off. this week is gonna be absolutely crazy. sista is coming into town tomorrow morning, i work and then we have to dress shop...haha.

in closing, i have a wedding conquest. he is hot. he is hot. he is hot. the bride's brother...sweet. no relation.
we will see. i have three possible scenarios...which i will outline:

1) he brings a date or has a girlfriend--i give him the eyes/make friends/be lovely. melt his heart from far away...

2) no date--but he's stupid or a douchebag--make out with him (secretly..away from the sista and fam)

3) no date---he's charming--easy on the makeout/heavy on the eyes/MELT HIS HEART.

peace and love.
xoxox

lost. empty. help.

i cleaned today. my room is dust free and my fridge is smelling fresh. i feel good.

well, sorta.

i watched the breakup tonight. cried a little, cuz i'm a fucking baby...drank some pinot grigio (delicous) and made dinner for myself. to be honest, it was a very productive day.

i have two auditions tomorrow--one a print ad and another a commercial for muchmusic and speedstick. i am so grateful to be getting auditions--i cannot wait to book one. it's gonna happen soon. i can feel it.

so i finished the movie tonight and then did my usual lurking. I AM A LURK. a damn good one too. my biggest problem is i lurk the same people.
correction: i lurk the same guy.

stalker, i know. i just can't help it. i feel dumb lurking him hoping that he has made some sort of sign on his profile page (what's his status today?) that he thinks of me too. ew, i'm pathetic. isn't it a little endearing of me? spending so much energy sighing over one dude. a dude that doesn't even live in the same fucking city as me. or the same fucking country as me. EWWWWWW. i gross myself out.

this blog has made me more sad and bitter than i had originally hoped. not the blog as a whole, but this post, really.

i have declined in my pot consumption and i feel good. more productive kinda...although a few tokes and my house would be sparkling right now. fuuuck, i am a GREAT cleaner when i am stoned. soooo focused and soooo obsessive.
kinda freaky...

siesta now.

peace and love.
xoxoxox


ps. j, i miss you. we had so much fuuuun together. it hurts me that you are busy and do not have time to reply to my messages...it hurts me more when i think about how pathetic i am and how much of a loser you must think i am. EWWWW.

my perogative

britney knows her shit. dance party up in here.

i had a very long and productive day yesterday. i went to bed at 8pm. delicious.
audition. hair appt. photoshoot. it was good.

today i have an appt with my fridge. it is time for me to clean that sucker out. i am on a clean spree today because today is my first day with absolutely NOTHING scheduled. kinda exciting. i don't know what to do with myself. CLEANING TIME!

so much drama at the beginning of this week and i am proud to say that i am over it. i dumped some drama out of my life. it felt like i had finally taken a huge poo that i was holding in for 4 years. gross but that is exactly how i feel. haha. ewwwww.

cleaning time for me now, fuuuuckk.

peace and love.
xoxoxox

you got it bad.

had a day today.

way too emotional. too much drama.

woke up and went to work. another day at the office? not quite. i worked with T so it was fun. we got busy. good people. bad tips. bad people. good tips. hmmm. i never know anymore. i have chosen to stop judging my tables...oh man. also: work is my technique to getting present.

i make it my job to try and be as present as possible to all my tables. it's all good in this hood.

boys, guys, men...blah blah. fuuuuck, so over this. jokes. when can i ever be over them? fucking hate them but LOOOOVE them way too much to give them up. so true. the ultimate boy crazy heartbreaker.

fuuuck. porridge's ready. love to you T.

love and peace bitches.
xoxoxoxxo

love in this club.

last night was karaoke night at work. best at the bar. atleast in my opinion! i was totally wishing that i was up there singing...well i would only go up if i had had some alcohol in my system. i have to build the confidence right? but i was singing along to all the songs. some were really great and some were...good for them going up there!

i met a cute boy. he was singing karaoke and i spent the majority of the end of my shift sitting and talking to him and his boys. all great guys. meh, who knows. it is the beginning of summer. he got my number. i gave it to him. i never do that but he was a chill guy. and did i mention cute?

eri called me this afternoon from peru! best phone call ever!! i am so glad that she is rocking it there but i am super excited to see her when i go home in june. i feel randomly homesick for my friends and my family. weird because most of my family lives here...hmmmm.

i want to go into a studio and record some songs. i really do. i think that will be my next project. my next venture.

my coffee sucks. i wish i had a personal starbucks or timmy's at my place. mmm my coffee never tastes the same! urgh. speaking of starbucks--i had a green tea lemonade fom the bucks yesterday and it was DELICIOUS and thirst quenching. i totally recommend!

i am waiting on my phone call. i totally rocked it the other day. call me and tell me i booked it. because i did...i DID.

k-i need to peace out. i am thinking of leaving my place early so i can put some more moola on my visa...fuuuuuck. i hate money...and love it...mmm green.

peace and love.
xoxo

sunshine addiction

i woke up this morning later than i had wanted to. there is something so comfortable about liz's guest bed. when i sleep in that bed, i tend to get the best sleep of my life. it is soft and luxurious like a hotel bed but familiar...mostly because it is my cousin's place. home kinda.

family. it's kinda fucked. i am so lucky to have a close relationship with my family. i was talking to liz yesterday about how fucked up it would be not to have a close relationship with our mothers. we are so lucky.

i had a complete write-off day yesterday. i woke up, went to my ROCKING audition where i was late but still ROCKED it..., met tommie really quick for coffee and then made my way back to the home i wish i had. lizzie's palace. we lounged. lots of real world:denver. fucking colie is such a slut. we ate sushi...best miso soup ever. i wish i remembered the name of the place. i definitely felt very full when we left however. mmm sushi.

we thought smoking a bowl would help us ease our...bellies? ya, way to give us munchies. don't even get me started on those cookies aunt karen makes. heaven in every bite.

i saw baby mama with cousin liz last night too. funny, but more of a chick flick than a laugh-out-loud SNL style movie. i guess i always assume tina fey and amy poehler will always be snl...but honestly, tina fey rocked my boat. fuck, she's brilliant. and a total babe. amy is hilarious. but here i am, captain obvious.

i had a small walk this morning--love the sunshine. think i am addicted. it's a good thing i have found a new thing to love because pot is no more for this lil lady. not for a little while atleast. save it for a celebration! SUNSHINNNNEEE and lilacs. omg, lilacs remind me so much of granny. i smelt them the whole way down my street and suddenly felt so nostalgic. i remember the days when i would wake up in sunshine, play with daisy, and go outside and smell granny's perfectly purple lilacs. the smell of summer i guess. yum. also reminds me of last days of elementary school.
WHAT IS WITH THAT?
why does everything remind me of the last days of elementary school lately? maybe that's what i will always think of when i smell budding trees, growing grass, and dirt. sense memory. hmmm. fabulous.

k-well i want to go dance infront of my mirror and pluck my eyebrows. woah, private moment.

love and peace!

xoxox

awake but still i am dreaming...

i worked last night. i worked the door. i was the fucking bouncer. hilarious.
i put some of my tips in my bra and then had to fish them out later. i guess i forgot a few coins because when i was getting ready for bed i became a human slot machine. sweet. a loonie.
a party of thirty drunks came in. some really smokin' guys. one tried to leave with out blow-up bud light cup. it was pretty funny.

can pot make you a bitch? is it possible to become a bitch because i smoke pot? does it even make any sense? i think i've always been bitchy. anyone who knows me...and i mean KNOWS me...especially when i was younger knows i can throw a mean tantrum.
hmm... i think i am over some shit.

i am beyond excited to live on my own. i continually wake up with dreams of interior decorating ideas and the vision of me coming home and being as naked as i want to be. as selfish as i want to be. fuck, i am so excited!

i went for breaky with some family this morning for mother's day. i was asleep the whole morning. i only had 4 hours of sleep...this blog entry is my attempt of staying awake to 'enjoy' my day...even though all i want to do is sleep and pretend i actually made it to the gym. i should really go but fuuuuck i don't want to. i wonder if there is a way for me to work out/do cardio without leaving my basement apartment..carmen electra strip aerobics? hmm..one of those things i can do when i live completely alone. way to look dumb...half way through a strip routine and my roomie and her bf walk in...i'm half naked (naturally...i mean, the pussycat dolls don't wear full shirts either) sweating with my booty all up in the air 'trying' to look sexy. yup...REAL sexy. barf.

i am going to retire from this blog and possibly do some serious facebook lurking. the only sport i am good at. oh, maybe i will do my hair. i think it is time i try and curl my locks. fuck, it's going to take me forever.

peace and love.

xoxox

vision boarding.

i swear. the vision board idea is a genius one. thank you tommie for that one!

had a relaxing day. a good productive day. it's funny, i think a day is productive if i leave my house....oh man. so lazy.

mer slept over, it was nice. we finally had a hangout. i missed her when she went home.
lunch with liz (reading the blog yet?) delicious food, art, and shoes. all awesome.
gym with kass--pilates makes me giggle and cardio rhythm makes me look stupid and...giggle. hmmm. obviously.
and audition tomorrow.

i made a vision board on wednesday so that i can start letting the fucking universe understand that it is time i audition....and i told myself and mer that i was going to audition thursday or friday. but i will be. and i think i even blogged it. check it out. hmmm. i am psychic.

it's at 4pm tomorrow so i might be running late for my shift but i doubt it. yay. this part is totally mine. i made a vision board about it.

haha, i'm hilarious.

i need to escape this blog. and ew, my place smells like...nasty. i need to air this baby out tomorrow. i think it's my fridge...maybe...hmmm.

tomorrow is mine.

peace and love.

seeing red

i am officially pissed.

i don't think i have felt this angry in a long time. i want to cry but i can't. i can't cry because i am too angry i wish tears could save me from myself. i wish a lot would save me from myself.

stupid ignorant customers. my service was fucking great. at their beck and call. what do they want me to do? wipe their asses?

i cannot wait to smoke pot tonight. it's necessary. i like it. fucking smoking pot might be a taboo but i could give a shit. i am angry and i need to breathe. yes, i need drugs to help me breathe and unwind. whatever.

i got a coffee today from starbucks that i didn't get to finish or drink really. it was delicious...for the most part. as i got on the subway today my horoscope in the metro was enlightening. i ripped it out. this is what it said:

stop working for a while and just relax (huh!). final plans are failing to please a woman. someone has not been maintaining their resolutions.

hmmm.

also, something brilliant tina told me when she was on vaca at my place. she is brilliant by the way:

the opposite of love is not hate--but indifference.

fucking true. i really like the sound of that.

gonna attempt the gym tomorrow. i have to sort some shit out with management. fuck, that is so awkward. oh well. what can i do? i am profiting anyway right?

profit. hmmm.

i'm over this. love and whatever.
pot and peace. fucking brilliant.
xoxox

this is a grown-up game.

i have the apartment to myself this week. i am overjoyed. i feel like it has been forever since i've sat in my own place, my own thoughts. i am counting down the days until i can have my own space all the time. yay.

i lit some candles, put on a random mix cd my cousin had made me. new music. i've been in a music rut for awhile. it is so nice to appreciate other music. it says something different to me. makes me feel different. sometimes more connected. more grounded. i've been missing out.

i made a vision board today. i have auditions all week. thursday. friday. it is time for me to start living. that is the only way i can put it. i need to start chilling out. something i hope this blog will help me out with...i'm a regular carrie bradshaw. if only.

i am definitely a lot darker than i let myself be. i don't know exactly what that means, but i know that it is true. the truth. i need to get myself out there. out there...

i met with a large agency yesterday and had my ego bruised. i agree with them. i don't think i am ready for 'them' yet but i am fucking ready. KL will be calling me this week and i have a phone conference with V tonight. this is my summer. it has to be. it is.

i had the best vacation with tina last week. we smoked pot, ate food, got horrendously drunk and giggled. the best and most relaxing vaca in a long time. it was much needed for the both of us. beer brings us down from the sugar high we get from being stoned...and pot helps us recover from our hangovers...it's cyclical, really.

i am going to go grab some food and rent the first season of the L WORD. great show. i know now what T is always swooning over. great actors. great script. great love.

MLS is coming back in august and i am excited to start working with her. the reason i say start is because i was a brat those four days. a brat. makes sense, but it was super annoying and i can only be grateful that she saw past my resistance and wants to work with me again. haha.

i can only be the best i can be. that best is the best. there is no room for me to be someone i'm not. if that makes me a bitch, then that makes me a bitch. i can't help it.

words to eliminate:
-can't
-really

boys. guys. men. hmmm.
j. i trust you. wish you were around more. we have the most fun together. you make me smile.
b. you confuse me. we don't fight for eachother enough. i don't know if we should.
m. ya. i don't want to fall for you again and i am afraid that it'll happen. it is happening. stop please.

this blog is like a brain fart and i really like it. i am listening to music that i have never heard before and i really LOVE it. dominic has good taste in tunes.
i am sitting in candlelight. i am going out for dinner and most definitely need to freshen up.

this is a grown-up game. it is time that i trust myself more. now more than ever.

xoxo