fantasy.

i've decided that i want to be able to go to LA and have a two-week vacation in the summer. again.

work has been confusing for me. lots of girls have been fired and/or quit leaving me confused because i have wanted to leave for awhile--not making enough money having so many girls on staff. now that there is less girls, i have more shifts and more opportunity to make money. should i stay and just giv'er and make sooo much money, pay off my debts and try to finance a trip to LA? i think that would be such a sweet deal. i think i might as well stay someplace that is going to make me money. i made a killing last summer because we were short-staffed. i hope it stays that way.

i am going home in a month and i have never been so excited!!! i cannot wait to just veg and be with my family. and omg, a family reunion! how fun! SOF will be there and it will be soo much fun to see her! and i miss my friends.
omg, i miss my best friend T. i miss her sooo much. i feel like it's been forever and we haven't seen one another and i just really need to giggle with her. i am in need of a giggle. like, a giggle that hurts so bad that i almost pee my pants...or if it was brownie camp (urgh) i would actually pee... woah, sorry too much info.

i realize i am NOT as flexi-barbie as i thought i was. i really wanna work on my flexibility and being active. i will not have this hot bod forever and i really need to WORK IT. yaaaaa WORK. IT.

i must peace out and eat something before i hit the gym.
ohh side note, i watched marley and me last night and cried my eyes out. like the biggest crybaby EVER. like, real SOBS. sob sob sob.
pathetic.

xoxo

here comes goodbye.

sometimes i question what i believe, what i think i believe, and what others have faith in.

is it ok to question one's own faith? i mean, i'm still learning and growing.

sometimes i feel like i don't know what i believe in anymore. maybe the 'commitment' of believing in something so intensely scares me. that would make sense. is it forever? what happens when i don't want it anymore? what happens next?

commitment. hmm. seems like a scary thing. it's funny because it shakes me but it's the one thing i want more than anything. is it because i want it so bad it scares me? is it the perfection complex? like, everything must be so perfect.

i have new confidence and understanding in life, on life...i know i can handle whatever life throws at me. i mean, i've been doing it for 22 years already. and yesss, 22-big deal right? but i've seen and experienced life. i don't care what others think.

maybe this is how i feel about my career? it scares me so much because i want it more than anything. i genuinely believe that good things are in store for me. i will be living the life i want.

this whole weekend, i've been talking to c and thinking about this. like, why is it NOT my dream to live in a small town and be a farmer's wife. or why can't i want something that seems so attainable? i could be a kindergarten teacher and live a lovely life with a house and stability. but i can't shake my dreams away. they don't disappear. and if i don't stick it out, i will never know.

i wanna live in L.A. i've been thinking about how amazing it would be to live in L.A...i mean, yes i am at the bottom of the fishtank here in TO and i would be even lower in the states...but god. i think if i had the exposure i could really do something great. i should prolly talk to sof about this. good thing i'm gonna see her in a month.

a cozy home, a wrap-around porch, a dog, a husband, and kids everywhere. sigh. i like it. a lot. hmm, a girl can dream.

peace dreams and faith.
xoxo

halo halo halo.

i can't blog for long. i am expecting c at my place any second. we're gonna quickly munch on pb and banana sandwiches and then head up north to g's fam's house for a garden party.

she buzzed up.

i have decided that i am going to try and work on a tv pilot based on my life. maybe call it beinghollywood?! the main character is named holly and she has an entourage of amazing friends and hilarious situations...all situations are hilarious in my eyes. and i say the dumbest shit. ya, that's a great idea--i should make a tv script making fun of...me! beauty. it would be something of sex and the city meets entourage meets breakfast at tiffany's meets secret diary of a call girl.

haha, what a grat tag line.

k, i need to eat then party.
what do you bloggers think of the idea of me becoming a writer as a side project?! maybe i would make it into a book!? hmmm. i need your thoughts. velcroshoes!? help me. haha.

peace love creativity and peanut butter sandwiches!
xoxoxoxoxxo